You’ve lost a lot – your job, “Tim” and your self image. It will take a while to grieve these losses. The stages you are going through now are the “bargaining” stage of grief – practically definied by the words “what if?” – and anger, which you are turning in on yourself as shame (“It’s all my fault!” kind of feeling, which may later morph to “It’s all HIS fault”) The grief will pass, just give it time. Be sure to eat well and get plenty of exercise – the endophines released are crucial to your recovery. I’m very glad that you have supportive friends and family in this difficult time