I’m still hurting. It can easily be triggered for example I asked her yesterday if I could take my son to the cinema on 2 of the Saturdays in January since I won’t make it to the contact centre in time. No. She will only allow either the contact centre or his home until she feels comfortable to even think about anything else (I have seen criminals get better treatment & access by their kids mother).

Oh yeah, she recently told me I could come out to her house instead of the contact centre, if I could make my way out there. The thing is I can’t really, she lives way out in the country & after travelling the first 40 miles I would have to find my way 20 miles further but I can’t afford taxis & don’t have a regular, reliable lift I can organise. It’s a catch 22 situation.

I promised her I was going to let all the past stuff go. I admitted that I still felt down about it sometimes but that it was my problem & she would never again get s*** off me about it. I did really well, but I have a couple of times referred back to things from the past, which she hates me doing.

I often tell her what an amazing mummy she is (which she is) & I do give her credit. I give her money. We split Xmas costs etc plus I gave her a lump sum as well to help over Xmas.

As it is now I see him every fortnight at the contact centre. Yes I have been told by her I can have more time if I am able to make it once a week, & even out to her house, but right now I just can’t afford that.

Did the counselling work? No. I still get mad at the past. It gets reignited when she says something to annoy me like last night when she said I couldn’t take my own son to the cinema, I’m reminded of all the reasons she’s been a b**** to me.

Other times it just happens when I think about it all myself. Which is often, but at least every other week it gets to me really bad where I’ll think of everything she did, feel my blood boil, get enraged, hope & wish that all the men that were involved are savagely decapitated & castrated , then 20 minutes later I’ve cooled down & I’m ok again. Or I’ll have a few rounds on the punchbag to release it.

It would be nice for the pain & bitterness to be permanently gone but the sad thing is I think I’ve had to accept that I’m going to get angry every now & again & that’s just the way it is for me. It’s one thing practicing forgiveness towards the person responsible for all the pain & wishing them well, but another to think about forgiving the men involved, I can never see me wishing them well, or hoping good things happen for them, in fact I only wish wretchedness on them, & if I’m to be 100% honest here some of them are very VERY lucky that I moved away, I’ll say no more than that. It’s disturbing that it’s 3 & a half years later & I’m still hurting so much, looks like in 10 years I’ll STILL probably be.

I’ll keep trying to let go though. I’ll keep on keeping on & living as well as I can despite the underlying bitterness & resentment I have.