Ohhhh next 4 yrs together… you’re in college? You sound like me as a 17 yr old ( I am 44 now). Then, I would feel- did feel – like a horrible person and that I should punish myself forever for my average/normal wrongdoings when I was your age too. Eh you’re just young hun, this stuff happens every day all throughout history! It is part of loving and learning and there is NO WAY around that in most people’s lives.
It is good and beautiful that you are so compassionate and loving that it pains you this much to hurt another being, some people don’t even flinch at it! Some people have affairs on their partners for years and it ruins families. Some very selfish people take these things too lightly and discard people like trash – and you on the other hand dear might be taking it to heavily.
Intention is important. Did you set out to cause harm? Are you a bad person who likes to hurt people or doesn’t care if she does? NO!
Do you care about yourself and others enough to fix the thing you feel you did wrong? YES! Should anyone stay with the wrong person just so he or she doesn’t get hurt? NO WAY!
I see your ID now, you are 17 ya?
You are a SWEET person. This experience is normal adventure of life. Experimenting is necessary all throughout life for us to find out what we really want. Because you are such a sweet caring loving person you will probably attract many people romantically. It is painful and hard for someone who feels so deeply as you seem to to reject people. I can’t bear to cause another to feel hurt ever and I have gotten myself into more than a few complicated situations trying to avoid it but it never works it just messes it up more.
As far as I see you did the right thing to break up if it was not feeling right for you. You were not going to get through life without that experience anyway, I mean some people meet in high school and stay together until they die but that is a very small percentage. So = NORMAL LIFE.
Up until the 1960s women used to be courted by many men at once and they had the right to choose without guilt but now there is almost always sex involved even so young – so we have to see one at a time and things get serious before we even know if it right. Life is just complicated stuff – it is not always clean and neat and perfect.
Watch almost any Hollywood movie and you will see how HORRIBLE people can be to each other in romantic relationships…YOU ARE NOT THIS!
You are good.
I am one who happens to agree with you that admitting the truth might be a selfish act in order to be relieved of guilt. If you have guilt that is yours to bear, not to be made into pain for someone else. BUT I am impressed that you have concluded that on your own so young! So good job!!! REALLY.
You will be deeply loved maybe many many times in your life. And then perhaps by only one forever and ever after.
I know that you will still beat yourself up for a while probably, and then that feeling WILL disappear.
Just don’t forget what you learned.
Free yourself an watch “Abaraham Hicks” “relationship” on Youtube.