I won’t speculate on the “whys” of what may cause him to behave this way, only that his behavior sounds controlling. As for your question about what is acceptable, you are the only one who gets to decide that for yourself. You know what you want and what feels right for you. It sounds as though this doesn’t feel right and that on some level no matter how much you love him, his behavior is unacceptable. Trust your gut on that and do what is right for both of you.
As for him, his counselors are correct, he does need to focus on his sobriety and not a relationship at this point. Sometimes the most loving thing we can do is let someone go to deal with their issues and get well. Maybe think about giving him that gift and if in his recovery, his behavior changes, you can revisit your relationship then.
Best of luck!
~Jodi
Though I run this site, it is not mine. It's ours. It's not about me. It's about us. Your stories and your wisdom are just as meaningful as mine. 