Hello,

I have registered specifically to reply to your thread. I am also 25 and my life has been very similar yet in stark contrast to yours. Interestingly, I have some of the same worries, issues and fears and I guess the main thing I want to tell you is ‘You are not alone’, I understand that is not particularly poignant or revolutionary, but it is true.
Your life seems to have been very unconventional and I have no doubt that you are an interesting intelligent person and in many ways, far ahead of your peers. Ahead, behind does not really matter, the thing that sticks out to me is how little you seem to think of yourself when to me, you sound like the epitome of cool. Musical, bright, philosophical, well read etc. You, like many of us, seem to be your worst enemy.

I’d like to tell you a little bit about my background as then you will be able to feel the parts of your life that I understand and the parts that I don’t. I had a ‘normal’ upbringing and have spent the last ten years in a number of relationships, difficult situations, shame, alcohol, drugs etc. I have failed in many parts of my life including education and finding any type of careeer that fulfils me. I now have behind me many regrets and wasted years which I cannot have back. I never knew who I was, I changed in every situation and was also incredibly lonely-surrounded by people. I gave away alot of myself to people and my ideals and values became warped and confused over time. I then fell in love with somebody who was everything I wanted to be, he reminded me of my childhood and gave me a safe feeling that had become alien to me. I couldn’t let go of my old life, I couldn’t be honest with him about things in the past, or the present. I would switch off from him, become cold and angry and then completely irrational and inconsolable. Luckily for me, he is still, after months, trying to help ‘us’. I have cut off from all of my old friends and the thought of him not being in my life is very scary as I have nobody else. There have also been times in the last months I have decided he was better off without me and I tried to cut myself off from him, but in doing that I was accepting and also saying to him and myself that I would never change. Does that make sense? It was continuing the pattern of failure. I believed that it would be better if I was alone, so that I could never hurt anybody and I kept having the urge to hurt myself or to run away. I decided that I wanted to live, and if I was going to make that decision then I had to change. You keep taking the power away from yourself- I know that feeling of wanting to disappear but you can’t disappear, you can write, and I think there is a point to life- I don’t know what it is, but I think it is making connections with people. You have made a connection with me through your writing and that should give you power.

I hope that what i have said can make some sense to you, a few weeks ago, I felt terrible, I still don’t feel great but I have realised that every day I am going to wake up, and I am stuck in this head of mine and in this body and so I have to change it to be happy, I have to change my environment and I have to change myself. The wonderful thing about life is that it is in our control. We are moulded by our pasts and by our experiences but we are not defined by them, every day we choose. You have to force to yourself to change, I have post it notes on my wall telling me of the things that I want – characteristics or traits that I want to live everyday and also advice and motivation. The latest one says ‘You are valuable’, and annasnow ‘You are valuable’. If you have to write a million times that nobody is following you, then do it, tell yourself you are good and try and meet people. Go to book clubs or to the gym- try to do things that will improve yourself and make you feel better.

I don’t know what you should do about the boy, perhaps have some space, rather that continuing and making everything irreparable; maybe you can try and sort out yourself and hopefully in time you can reconnect with him. Perhaps try to explain to him and try to be friends for a while, sometimes telling somebody how you feel and especially the shameful feelings- wanting to hurt yourself, intense jealousy, sometimes it can really help to tell someone. That act of getting over something you’re afraid of seems to help, well, it helped me.

I think the shy people are always the nicest, I’m looking for the person standing outside of the circle. No one really likes the one in the middle.

Good Luck