Thanks Mike. Your situation sounds like it could kick off at any minute, like a volcano ready to erupt. It’s unhealthy & maybe you both need to have a sit down for a deep heart to heart to find out if you can both work together to fix things between you.

Firstly I’ll point out that she is actually a great mother to my son & I am not nor have I ever been worried about my sons safety & I am able to praise her for this, which I have done many times. I can sleep easy at night knowing he is ok. Second there is no issues with paternity. We never done DNA or anything like that but in many cases it is simply not necessary in the slightest which it isn’t in our case as me & my son are like identical twins.

I had court stuff happening a year ago all I was doing it for was to have my name on the birth certificate & parental responsibility, basically I just wanted official recognition, not more access or anything like that because it wasn’t the issue. However, I compassionately withdrew the court stuff because the more days my ex missed at work then the more money she missed out on as well as legal fees, & that means my son becomes affected too. So I withdrew it & told her I give up & that I leave it to her whatever happens from now on.

I pay for my child & always have done. Legally I’m not even obliged to since legally I’m not even a parent, but I do it anyway because I want to. I’ve always dragged up the past s*it she did as a reminder of what she done to me (which is my problem, the past stuff she done) & she obviously hates me bringing it up. But I always felt that because I’m hurting she needs to be reminded of the fact she caused it. I’ve been in the victim role too long now though & I want out.

I get what you’re saying about my son noticing me being missing from a lot of things when he grows up. I’ve thought about that & well it’s simply not my fault so that’s her problem. But I’ll always be around as long as I’m alive. One thing I will not have taken from me is me being daddy & nobody else – what I mean is that even if she got married & technically my son has a step-dad, the step-dad will be getting called by his name & nothing else. I’m imagining future pain possibilities such as this.

I had a choice to either leave town or do something that resulted in a large jail sentence. Thankfully I took the right path & to be honest there have been many, many positive things that happened in my life as a result of all this. All things I made happen myself in reaction to my hurt. However the fact all that the positives came from a place of pain makes it bittersweet.

I tried the emotional freedom technique a while ago following tutorials on YouTube & I will do it every day. I think it’s quite possibly the thing I’ve been searching for this whole time since meditation alone has not took my pain away.

I will get there 🙂