I found myself crying a lot last night. I don’t often physically cry about it it’s usually just the constant gutting feeling inside, but last night I cried a lot.

I’d just been sat contemplating how much pain I’ve felt over the past three & a half years at the loss & betrayal, & things my ex done that can’t be undone, & the moments & time with my son that I’ll never get back or experience. It hit me how much I’ve been hurting & for how long – I’ve spent almost all the second half of my 20s hurt, angry & bitter.

I’ve never saw him on his birthday or Christmas & I’ve no idea when I will. That’s an example of future possible pains. I believe that’s probably part of the reasons why it’s been so hard to let go of the past – because I’m going to suffer more stuff I don’t like or agree with, adding to & prolonging the pain.