Hi Strawberry,

I came to this site a few months back when I was looking for direction after a breakup also – 4 months removed from a 2 year relationship. I had such a hard time coming to terms with things because it caught me so off guard. She had been having doubts about us for a while and I thought we were both pretty happy – I really didn’t see it coming. That feeling of hopelessness when you want so badly to change the reality of a situation but you can’t – it’s paralyzing – I literally struggled to find the right words when she called me to break up. I can sympathize with what you are going through totally. I had a period of about a week where I had no desire to eat – I went 3 or 4 days and had no hunger at all I actually started to get worried and forced myself to eat. My ex didn’t so much say specific things about me, in fact she said there were a lot of things I wasn’t ready to hear about myself yet, but she seemed so disgusted with me over pretty small things. I couldn’t understand how someone could feel that level of vitriol towards someone they supposedly loved so much at one point. She acted as if I had wronged her in some way when all I had ever done was try to show her unconditional love. Anyway, it’s been 4 months and I’d like to say I’m completely over her but today is her birthday and I’d be lying if I said I didn’t wonder if I even crossed her mind.

I’m trying as much as I can to move on but I still find reminders every now and then and it does drudge up some of the hurt. You just have to trust your process and focus on staying in the moment. As someone who has always been a big worrier and obsessed over the future – I can’t tell you how freeing it feels to let all that go and just worry about where I am right now this moment. I know that’s easy to sit down and tell someone but I’ve become a lot better at it with practice and a will to apply it. This has been one of the hardest things for me to do – that and show compassion to someone who I felt treated me pretty poorly all things considered. Meditation and positive affirmations have helped me a lot. Some days I have to fake it – some days I feel hopeless and miserable – but I do find moments of levity where I feel calm and I am glad when I look back and saw I fought through the day when everything in me wanted to just shut the blinds and pull the covers over my head. To me that is true courage – something I’ve learned to find in myself and exercise. I’ve become a lot stronger person through this mess and I’m a believer that strength can’t be gained without pain (physical or emotional). I still have my bad days but I have seen how this breakup has made me a better version of myself and closer to the version of myself that I want to me.

All I can offer you in advice is what seems to be helping me – find some time to sit down and put the sadness and pain aside, if only for 10 minutes, and focus on some of the things in your life that you have to be grateful for. Start there and go easy on yourself, don’t beat yourself up and try to do some of the things you enjoy (I know sometimes this isn’t easy but eventually you will find the person you were before you met this person). You may not feel like it right now but in time you might find that you are happy this relationship did not work out. Your wants and needs are just as important as your partners and if we are really honest it’s a waste of time to put energy into wanting to be with someone who doesn’t want to be with us. I know it sounds corny and cliche but you survived just fine before this person was in your life – in time you will be just fine without them. I wish you the quickest of recovery and I hope that you find some peace and relief from the situation – I sympathize with you totally – as much as a random stranger on the internet can I guess (haha). Just know you are not alone there are plenty of us out there struggling to deal with breakups – some take longer than others- and there’s nothing wrong with that. Just don’t let it consume you and close you off to the other opportunities life is trying to show you.

Best wishes in your recovery,
Matthew

• This reply was modified 9 years, 10 months ago by Matthew.