Thank you so much for your replies, when I wrote this I felt so alone and every reply nearly brought me to tears because they were so understanding. I really thought I was being a whiney so-and-so but your replies made me feel a bit less awful, so thank you.
I haven’t gotten much better, I’ve been out drinking and doing drugs most nights this week and kind of sleeping around. I’m not proud of myself as this is not the person I’d like to be. This has always been the way I’ve dealt with pain, and I realise I need to change. I’ve decided to move on from this city, I’m going somewhere quieter with good people, on the beach, on the other side of oz. It might be called running away from my problems but there’s a lot of painful memories here now, and too much temptation clearly!
I got an email from E a few days ago saying that he apologised for some of his ‘shitty behaviour’ and that I’d been very kind to him, and he appreciated it and wanted me to know that. I guess that’s the closest thing I’ll ever get to closure. I deleted it and didn’t reply, and I never will. Why does heartache fuck us up the most out of everything? I feel like I’ll be unable to trust someone again, but maybe that’s just as well.
Thank you again, guys.