Thank you for the reassurance. Sometimes I find it hard to believe it’s all real. Or that he was really that bad. Like somehow it was all my fault – which I know for certain that’s not true… I try really hard to search for a comforting thought or mantra to help soothe myself on bad days or dark moments. In my previous, slightly healthier, relationships I could always depend on the fact that I always carried myself with integrity and that I was the best girlfriend possible – that I really put my all into making my boyfriend happy and that I really did my best. But this time, I can’t even say that. I have to admit that there was a lot of unresolved, repressed anger towards him that I was accumulating over the years – anger that I couldn’t express because there would be some major argument. Anger because of things that happened and my inability to do anything about it (feeling of helplessness and worthlessness I guess). Anyway, after so many years, just being around him made me angry and I started to have an attitude with him – just in general. Even in moments when he was pleasant, my attitude would ruin things. He always just wanted me to be nicer but was never willing to have a serious talk and to work with me on our issues.

I feel like I didn’t do my best. My mother says thats okay because he clearly didn’t deserve it anyway… But I don’t know. This is just a very strange time for me and I feel so grateful to have the tiny buddha blog and all you little tiny buddha bloggers out there to offer me compassion, understanding, and advice. Thanks again.