Dear Laure:
My advice for you is to examine or examine more your first relationship, the one with your primary caretaker, your mother or father… or both. How was that like? Did you reach out to her/ him? Did she ignore you? Reject you? Was she repulsed (a word you used) by you? Did your reaching out to her backfired and hurt you? Did you try everything to earn her love but nothing worked and you gave up?

Hope you respond and post again.
Take care:
anita