Sometimes I think my therapist does an amazing job at healing me and then sometimes… Like tonight… I leave and I feel worse or less fulfilled than before. My therapist doesn’t like to talk much about my current issues – she almost exclusively likes to deal with the underpinnings. Sometimes she sheds some light on some really harsh realities that I don’t feel ready to face. We do talk about developing certain skills and having objectives. It feels like there’s already so much to deal with, I think she lets me lead by letting me bring whatever I’m dealing with that day to the table and we talk about it. So sometimes it’s about my ex and sometimes it’s about my parents.

Do you think this “complex post traumatic stress disorder, C-ptsd” sounds like me? Or is this just something that you have experience with?

We talking a little about the repetition compulsion today. Sometimes it seems like she’s trying to get me to view him as like this regular person. Like tonight I was saying that I thought he was a miserable person and I was so confused as to how he could be so happy and he could just simply not be suffering and she was trying to get me to understand that it doesn’t matter and I’ll never know – but at the same time she was trying to get me to realize that he could very well be very happy and not suffering at all – but it shouldn’t matter to me.

But I want to believe that he’s miserable deep down and that I wasn’t making him miserable!!! I want to believe that he’s not a happy person and that he’ll probably never change. I want to believe that this new girl isn’t as wonderful as he likes to just absolutely brag about to everybody – how much of an “upgrade” she is.