Hi Anita,

Thank you again for your response and providing me with more insight to what I’m going through, I really appreciate your words. I took some time to reflect upon what you had said and it actually occurred to me that I have never written down or verbalised any relationship goals for myself (like EVER) or for the relationship I am in (or previous ones for that matter!). Therefore your words really hit home for me and open my eyes and I thank you for that. I decided that I WILL reflect and start to write down some goals that I want for myself from the relationship along with goals for outside of the relationship (eg. workout more, meditate more etc). I also felt it would be important once I’ve done these to verbalise them to partner. Though things are good at the moment (both getting on with things and getting on), I cannot deny the need for such goals are crucial for my well being. I’m unsure as to how he will perceive what I will verbalise once I have my goals written down, but I now feel a little more confident in that being true to myself and my own values in verbalising my own needs will rid some of the fear that stirs within me.

Your comment about whether love shrinks me also hit a cord as I can see now love should do the opposite – it should motivate you to grow. Although in the relationship I have loved myself enough to want to change and grow as a person, I worry that he may not feel love for himself enough to do the same – which tied in with your growing pains comment which I now can relate with well. You sharing your own story with me inspired me, knowing that you terminated the abuse you were going through, that takes true strength and courage – keeping your story in my thoughts helps me build up strength for what lies ahead.

Finally, your comment on empathy is a 100% true – while I do see the inner boy in him and know of his painful experiences, I do agree that empathy should come from elsewhere and not from me during these attacks. Becoming the person that he thinks it is okay to talk to in such cruel ways and comforting him following this, continuously feeding his ego is not the person I am and I would not expect him to do the same ever should my attacks towards him reflect his. I know in my heart that saying these things I would never expect him to forgive me, never mind comfort me following them or beg and plead to be with me still – that’s what’s messed up about it. I will continue to reflect, write goals and improve on myself regardless of the storm I feel surrounds me. Thank you for your advice and the others in the forum, I feel more confident in myself knowing that regardless of what happens between us that I will be ok (no more begging or pleading).

Thank you from the bottom of my heart.