Dear chaycups:
You wrote: “Shame is my constant.” No wonder nothing feels right. It is good that you are in a program and cut off the self destructive addiction. It is a good thing you are working. Two positive things you are doing and I am sure there are more.

And the SHAME has to be dealt with. Shame is a powerful negative force- it will eat at anything and everything that you are or will be doing right… Continue/ re-start a GOOD psychotherapy (CBT/Mindfulenss…?). Whatever you decide to do, please take a step toward healing that shame. I know shame- i keep being amazed by how difficult it is to work through… very powerful, but possible to heal. Find meaning in healing your shame wherever you are, whatever you do…
anita