Hi Phightphear
I have been where you are a number of times in my life, and understand exactly the feeling you are describing. It is like being engulfed in a huge fog, where nothing anyone says or does seems to help, and every attempt to escape from it is like climbing a greasy pole. Even when I have known exactly what I needed to do to break free, I just felt unable to do it. It seemed that, no matter what I did, life would just keep kicking me in the face again and again, seeming to make any effort futile.

It has happened to me so often that I now have a sort of template for dealing with it. Maybe it will work for you, maybe it won’t. Maybe bits of it will work. But doing anything is always better than doing nothing.

My first action whenever such feelings occur now, is to give myself a day or two to just wallow in it (I have a term for it that I can’t use here, so we’ll call it a “Forget It!” day). Now, I have often read and been told that this is a bad idea, that I should just work through it. Well, maybe for them that’s true. For me, I need a day or two to sit and feel sorry for myself, watch trashy TV or catch up on box sets, and stuff my face with chocolate and snacks. The benefit of this is that it seems to purge all of the negative feelings quickly, and get me ready for action again. It’s a bit like having a flu bug – a couple of days rest and you get better quickly, but trying to work through it makes it drag on for weeks.

It also puts the world on pause for a moment, to let me get my thoughts in order again. I don’t give myself any longer than that, though – that would be hiding, which only makes things worse.

That pause allows me to draw up a plan of action. I like to write it out to help get it straight in my head. For each thing that is bugging me, I will list at least 3 actions I can take to start turning things around. So if the problem is my job, it might be to arrange a meeting with a boss, or a recruitment agency. If the problem is a relationship, setting out what needs to be said. If the problem is loss of a loved one, listing out 3 things that they would have liked to see you do right now. When I was younger, I often didn’t feel like taking the actions, but did it anyway, and quickly started feeling better. These days, by the end of this process I am itching to make a start.

The good thing about this process is that it focuses on things that I can do, actions that I need to take, rather than forlornly waiting for others to do things to make me happy. The fog is still there at this stage – it doesn’t just go overnight – but having purged it means it no longer dominates everything and it soon starts to lift by taking action.

Another thing I do is list all the positive aspects of my current situation. So, when I was made redundant, I listed out all of the things that I had always wanted to do but never had the time for before. A relationship breakup? Free time and the opportunity to focus solely on myself. Loss of a loved one? The wonderful memories they gave me and how blessed I had been to know them. This isn’t to trivialise or ignore the negatives, but simply to stop the negatives becoming a snowball of despair and dominating my every waking hour.

And finally, I try to take control of those things that I can control. Getting out of bed on time, showering every day, cleaning up the house, tidying a desk drawer, exercising, cooking a meal, phoning people who are important in my life. Nobody can stop me from doing these things except me. And that brings back the feeling of being in the driving seat of my life again.

As I say, maybe this will work for you, maybe it won’t. But I hope you can take something from it.

The good thing is, you have identified how you are feeling, and that you need to do something about it. Life has hit you with a whole load of upsetting things, so you feel bad – it would be strange if you didn’t. But give yourself the opportunity to work through it – don’t beat yourself up because you can’t present a face to the world as if nothing has happened.

You have a friend who wants to do something nice for you, I’m guessing because they know what a tough time you have had recently. Acknowledge that gesture, and I’m sure they will be more than happy to adapt their idea so that it doesn’t pile even more pressure on you.

I would like to be able to tell you that you will never feel this way again, but the reality is, you will from time to time. But take comfort from the fact that, the more often you overcome it, the easier it is to know that any pain is temporary, and you will defeat it and come out stronger.