Dear Jamie:
I am so … what are the words, reading your note feels like fresh air to me, like fresh air of childhood, that hope… being under the clear blue sky and gently shining sun, that promise of long ago- I feel it now. Reading your post above makes me think: I will not betray your trust in me, the feeling of safety to be seen, that you describe. That little Jim, that little Jamie trusting ME- oh, I will not hurt little Jim or little Jamie, neither, both. I will not hurt you. That precious trust, that vulnerability. Please let me know- do let me know if anything I write/ communicate to you doesn’t feel right to you, ask me to clarify. Misunderstandings/ inaccurate projections do happen. My intent and committment is to be completely worthy of the precious trust of the child in you, the child (or children) part of you. Let me know if you feel badly about anything I write so that I can review what I said, examine it and communicate with you honestly about whatever it is.

I feel honored because I know what it takes to trust someone. I am open and willing to be and become and continue to be your best girlfriend. I am. I am. I am.

My core belief of being shameful, the feeling of shame attaches itself so very often to almost anything. I may express an opinion and immediately feel shame about what I expressed, feeling that distress, discomfort. It seems to happen dozens times a day, if not more often: catching a view of me in the mirror, no, I think more like hundreds of times a day, only I am becoming aware of some of those times. A very pervasive thing… At times I feel good. One day I felt good was when we both were in Orange County, CA- my first trip to DisneyLand, September 1985 (You may have been deployed but you lived then there)- a magical day, extremely short lines and i went on rides like a child, beautiful time. Knots Berry farm the next day and Universal Studios the next, magical three days, DisneyLand shining the brightest. Following psychotherapy and healing of few years since 2011, I had moments, more and more of peace of mind when I thought I was done with the shame but it came back again and again, often catching me by surprise when I am tired, someone says hello while I was spaced out and I think I was caught in all my inferiority and shame and I say to the person: “I was spaced out… it’s so hot”or something like that, explaining why I was … not right, not up to standard as they must have seen, I figured.

I realize this very morning and hope I remember well that shame will come back again and again, accepting the inevitable is better than denying it and being surprised again… and again.

I just looked again at the photo of Jamie- I feel like saying the same words I said before and I am smiling again. There is lack of pretentiousness (is there such a word?) in how she is standing, lack of pretense, hands in the back, head straight, not tilted up or looking down. Something very simple, direct, natural, not complicated, about her standing there.

Looking forward to your next note.
anita