Dear Lost,

I think you have already answered half of the question – you knew yourself quite a bit while you were growing up and then life happened. Sometimes our anxieties and coping methods drop us in this pit we cant get out of. The habits become so deeply rooted that we dont see where we are and where we really want to be – there seems to be a long list of heart-felt shoulds from people around us, sometimes directly and often felt indirectly. People who have known us forever will indeed hold a certain perception of us but the truth is, we change. You have had depression, anxiety, bad break-up, poor choices, jail etc and of course, it will shape a part of you now. You feel sadder and wiser from within. The truth is, I used to wonder too when I got really unwell mentally about why couldnt i be the same girl i used to be? Why was i so afraid and conscious? Why did i feel so low so easily? Why didnt i have any motivation? That girl was someone i was a long time ago, when i was younger. Now i am an adult and things are different – I like that person and there will be traces of her still within me, but I am still evolving. One of the main causes of anxiety was shame – I hated myself for all those mistakes and didnt want people to see “that person” – so i hid away, put on a polite, pleasant mask in front of most – never talked about anything real. The truth is, that person hiding away wasnt me. It was my fears talking. Eventually, i started working on trying to participate more, being less in my head and taking chances – I started this process about 3 years back while I was in the midst of depression and suicidal tendencies. Frankly, it was too much that time and I would break down often, lose hope and then healing started in ways I couldnt imagine. Its never been hunky dory though. This isnt some movie where things get fixed in 10 minutes. Its life. We screw up and shit happens.

I made attempts to mingle more with new people, go to events, be more disciplined – I wont say I am entirely there but i have improved quite a bit. You need to re-examine yourself, ask yourself what you really want or atleast take a first step to gain some clarity. I often heard my closest friends say I have changed quite a bit – i wasnt this social or spontaneous before etc However, what does it matter? We all change, especially in our 20s. I have had my best friends go through such big changes – and it made me uncomfortable but that was my own insecurity and dissatisfaction talking because most of her changes were in a positive direction. I only questioned her when i felt she was harming herself.

Someday you will be in a place to forgive yourself but for now, understand that you have many years ahead of you. I have this poster in my room i wanted to share – It reminds me everyday…

”

All the best!

You are indeed full of surprises.

Regards,
Moon