Thank you so much anita for your reply. I was hoping you would answer me.

You are absolutely right. My son is my priority, this actually why I stayed in this marriage for so long. As stupid as it may sounds, I opted for my affair to have my needs met outside of my couple in order to not hurt anyone. I thought back then, that if I will get a bit of oxygen, I will be happier and stay a giving spouse and a good mother. It cannot excuse what I did, it merely explains what was in my mind.

Of course, in case I choose the divorce, I will put all my energy to make it as not harmful as possible for my son. I don’t want to fight, I don’t wish my husband any bad. I want us to stay friends and to help each other if needed. A civilized divorce.

Now, as I said, my son is the first factor which makes this choice difficult. Another one is the fact that my husband is not really evil. He is actually a nice guy and a good person. I think some would consider me fortunate enough. I always considered myself being a “bad guy” in our couple. I knew that a big part of my emotional needs were not met, but I felt safe, I knew he was loyal and loved me the way he could. I could cope and settle for less with him before his affair. Now I cannot push the reset button and just to adapt the way I did it before. After I have seen how creative and enthusiastic he was with her, I cannot settle anymore. Because now I know what he is capable of when he is “interested”. This makes me feel worthless.
The advice which is often given is to communicate. In my case, I really did everything possible. I did communicate my needs. I even gave examples of what I would like him to do. And it was not that demanding, believe me. He said he will but he didn’t.
Even now when he asks if he can be forgiven, because he feels a lot of guilt and he hurts, I tell him that it is not about forgiveness. It is about me to see what he can do for me. Because now I compare, I think this is unavoidable. I want him to show his love for me, not only through words, hugs and kisses, but through his actions. Again, he doesn’t do any bad, but any good either. He is apathetic and lacking energy, ideas and motivation as usual. He explains it by being emotionally drained with everything which did happened. He complains me being aloof when I don’t talk to him and when I start talking about what I feel, he says it drains him out… I feel I am stuck. It only works if I make a huge effort and start acting as if nothing happened. At the same time, if I do, it can work and we can spend the rest of our life together and my son will have both parents living together.
Am I selfish? After all it is not that bad, I am not being overtly abused. And if he hurts me, I truly believe he does it unintentionally. It is so difficult to make the decision about the divorce given all that. At the same time I am dying from inside. I am not functional, I cannot concentrate on anything else. I am in a lot of pain.

Thank you again anita for your invaluable support.