Hi Inky,

Never mind for sound judge-y. It is not easy to describe a 20 years log relationship in a few words. So, your opinion is very adequate and I need it too to get an objective opinion myself. I need to hear the other side opinion since my husband cannot communicate it clearly and always changes his mind.
I will try to answer your one by one.

I don’t really compare the affairs. I don’t believe one affair can be worst that the other. However, there are few things in his affair, which makes it very difficult for me to cope with. First of all, the affair was emotional only because she didn’t wanted. After they went out to a walk and then to a restaurant, he picked the one near to our house. He arranged for our son to stay at his friend house for the night. Then he invited her to come to see where he lives. (I was out for a business trip). He admitted he wanted to see how far things could go. So, should she accept, they would have done it in our home, probably in our bed (!). After that I don’t really care that they didn’t had a real physical intimacy. His intention was there and that is all that matters for me. Never it crossed my mind to invite my lover to my place, even though I could have done it on many occasion. For me my home was untouchable. My husband could afford to invite her to a hotel.

You are right he was devastated and I was feeling awful for having caused him so much pain. It was so unfortunate since I ended it 6-7 months before he knew and I did it on my own. When he confronted me I told him that I feel very remorseful, that I will respect any decision he will take, but I asked him to give me a chance to show him how much I love him. And this is what I did during the past fourth years. Day after day I took care of him, I became everything he wanted. The first year was good and he even told that he realizes his part in what did happen. That he made a lot of mistakes. Second year: he felt into depression pretending it was because of his work and started taking antidepressants. I was supportive and taking care of him all that time. Few month later he became very joyful and self-confident, lots of energy and lots of aggression and frustration towards me. I suffered, but I knew I got what I deserved and coped with it, still working and trying to fix things. At some point I could not bear it anymore and I asked him if he wants to split. He said he doesn’t and stopped taking antidepressant. Third year: I started having sever panic attacks and started taking antidepressants myself just to relieve the anxiety. Few weeks later he had another depression. No matter how much I tried to be there for him, to do things for him, talk to him, he was mean and frustrated to me again. Fourth year: he started taking another antidepressants which made him feel at ease, joyful, but not aggressive. This is where things started to improve and I finally thought we can be happy together. We were doing things together, he seemed all over me, very loving and caring. This is where he’s got his affair… Does all this mean he forgave me? I think it would be more human to tell he cannot than letting me work like crazy on our happiness, being mean and aggressive with me for 3 years just to end up having an affair himself. But maybe it is just me…

Yes, after 20 or 10 or 5 years things can get boring. However, when something bad happen to your spouse, you are supposed to be there, aren’t you? He did not met my emotional needs long before my affair. Just one example: when I my older son (1st marriage) left home because of a fight with me and didn’t show up for few weeks I was very nervous and anxious. When I asked my husband to comfort me in my pain, he only said: “what do you want me to tell you. All teenagers are like that” and resumed to watch TV. When a friend passed by he left me alone till 2 am at this difficult time when I needed him to be there. I don’t think it is too much to ask for. And I don’t think this is to be overly needy. Why then do we marry? To eat, to sleep, to pay the bills together?
Now, when he needed the support I always gave it him. He does admit it himself. I think you are being spot one when pointing parent-kid part of my message. This is right. He always was my third son rather than a husband, a man.
I offered counselling many times. I am more that whiling. He only says he cannot open up in front of a stranger, it is very difficult for him, that nobody knows better than him how he needs to live and that I should respect his privacy in that matter.
Thoughts?