Dear Rookie:

I think that deep down inside you- you are looking for love, for connecting with another on an intimate level, more than you are currently experiencing with your good friend you mentioned in the last post as well as with increased closeness with the friends you have. I think you learned through your childhood experience that trying to connect (with patent/s I assume)- backfired on you, brought you negative results. So you learned to recoil from closeness, to not wish it or to wish it away, definitely wish it away at first sign of trouble.

Deep down inside you long for connection of the most intimate kind (genetically based, very human) and you also learned, on a deep level, to stay away from the very thing you long for. And staying away from it worked for you to a good extent, which is why and how you function as well as you do.

I figure that you believe no such person exists (you saying it without thinking is an indication of how deeply established this belief is)- is based on your life experience of childhood. We form our core beliefs based on our personal experience, naturally. Unfortunately, it was your parents’ deficiency or fault for the failure of positive experience in your childhood: you were completely committed then to intimacy with them (biologically it is a live or die to the young deer, let’s say)- they were not.

In real life (and real is all that counts)- there are plenty of people with whom closeness will hurt you, just as your efforts to be close to your parents has hurt you. And there are a few, and all you need is one, that closeness with him will be the greatest thing for you.

Again, cautious selectiveness is the key, approach with caution. Your life experience taught you what is real: that closeness can hurt and can be detrimental to your well being. So caution.

The reluctance on your part to get intimate is not about something being wrong with you. It is about reality.

You are so gracious, rookie: very good at being easy on people, respecting others’ needs. So gentle and gracious about asking for help. This is very … a loveable thing about you. You will be excellent at a very intimate relationship with the right man. The right man is one that you learn about over time, in person, slowly.

What do you think about my input so far?

anita