Dear Anita,

Thank you for your comment. I have been asking myself the same question for awhile but in the last few days I’ve started to a feel a more refined sense of clarity. Perhaps because I have become settled on my decision to contact him but not out of anger, thus allowing me to cultivate a sense of peace in myself and heal- but more than that, it has also allowed me to start opening up to discovering more about James- understanding his character, learning all his individualistic qualities and not comparing them but just accepting them and then liking them.

I don’t know why my ex did what he did- I have made up a million reasons. It did appear that he was unsure (hence the making plans amongst other things) and definitely not intending to do what he did until the moment he did it. His temperament was that of someone that would make snap decisions, and unlike me, he did not practise self control well but equally, clear from his dairy, he was not someone that cheats. It’s hard to explain, but it also seemed as if he always had this internal running commentary on his life. He loved books and wanted to write short stories for a time, he was good at writing. Sometimes I think he viewed his own life as a story- and he wanted it to have all the elements of a good story for when he looks back on it- I’m not sure if that completely makes sense without you knowing him.

Yesterday my best friend and her boyfriend broke up after 2 years. I was there comforting her but I saw so much of myself in her in those moments and in dawned on me just how far I had come. I told her she would get there too. I have not moved on, and the next few months will definitely be interesting – no doubt I will probably give an update but for now I am going in the right direction.. I think.