Dear Anita –

I think it is accurate to say that I am extremely mad! I’m not sure exactly at whom but I am mad. I’ve been eating donuts all day which is bad because I’m diabetic. The stories I play in my head seem so real and they are filled with anger. They are filled with blame towards others, towards myself. It’s accurate to say I’m not doing much to help myself. In fact, my therapist, who has been allowing me to text her through my depression and pain has said that I am not trying. I keep sending her texts about my ex-wife and nothing about what I’m trying to do for me. Who am I? Who do I want to be? I feel so close to being that angry psycho ex husband who causes a scene because he’s painted a picture that is so clear in his mind. Perhaps I’m ruminating again Anita – saying the same things – I don’t know.

It’s accurate to say that I don’t like me. I don’t like my thoughts, my actions, my physical appearance, my lack of motivation. I tell myself I’m trying but I really am not trying. I’m not sure where I learned that – there’s something inside that says “I can’t do it.”

For all the intellectualization and wonderful words I read in the books I pour over to learn and become a better person. There’s not one I can think of that’s done me any good when I consider where I find myself. I pray to the spirits around me – I ask them for the guidance out of my self-induced hell. Day after day, I do the same things, think the same thoughts and look forward to just getting into bed at night so I can read more books that I’ll forget by the time I wake up. Then more head is immediately filled with thoughts of my ex and her new macho boy friend. And then the pain starts all over again.

Sorry Anita, I’ve done it again. I seem to want to wallow. What’s wrong that I want to wallow? What am I getting out of it. There are days lately when I eat donuts (I’m not a huge guy by the way, just need to lose weight – but diabetes too!) anyway where I say “just take me now – take me away – kill me donut.” Certainly not positive but feels accurate. Did you mean something else Anita or am I just missing the mark again? I really can’t remember the last time I was happy. That makes me sad and scared. All the books I read lately say that I have everything I need right now to be completely happy yet I think I’m still searching for something. When we seek we suffer. I’m not good enough just as I am, not accurate, but a belief.