Hi L,

I am sorry that you are hurting and feeling so lonely. Three years is a long time to be in that type of pain. I am glad you are reaching out to find some relief from others. In your post, I can sense your desperation. My first reaction to reading your post is that it seems you are more focused on your husband and what he is doing, feeling, saying, than on yourself. The problem with this is that you can only control your own feelings, words, and actions. Perhaps as a first step, see if you can write another post, where you talk about your own hopes and dreams and expectations and disappointments and resentments. You might find that your own needs are not being met and see places where you can make a small change that will help you move toward your life goals again.

Another suggestion is that you start looking inward and finding ways to take care of yourself. Personally I have suffered by trying to control others and situations that I have no control over, rather than than being a friend to myself. I can tell you from my experience that you cannot help anyone else until you have done this for yourself first. One support group that helped me is Alanon, so you may want to check out these groups in your area. These meetings may help you feel supported and listened to, as well as help you look at your situation in a different perspective.

Since a new year offers opportunities for a fresh start, see if you can lighten your burdens, before you break again. Let yourself shed your old expectations and habits that aren’t working anymore. Then allow yourself to grieve those losses. Use your energy to carefully put away anything that isn’t working anymore, and replace it with new intentions. As you set new small goals and achieve them, your pain will begin to fade, and you will be amazed at the strength you’ll find.