Dear Shelly:

As one with LOTS of experience with the feelings you describe, I do have suggestions and I will let you know how taking them myself worked for me, or not:

First things first: my relationship too was in great danger because of my behaviors. We attended couple therapy. After the first sessions as a couple, I saw the same therapist for the one-to-one therapy that I needed. The first part, the couple therapy, was about the therapist (first good therapist I ever had) put his time and effort into the first action that needed to be done ASAP, stop the bleeding in the relationship, rescue it. So he taught me, us , Interpersonal Skills so that the relationship survives the bleeding (it was bleeding hard). This is what I learned from that part of therapy (make it as short and clear as I can):

No matter how bad I feel, how hurt, how scared, how distressed, I learned to hold my tongue and NOT dump my emotions on my husband in my desperate need that he will give me the relief I … desperately needed for my distress. This means taking responsibility for my emotions. That is, understanding he didn’t cause my distress and it is not his job to fix it. I learned ways to share my distress with him without making him responsible to take the distress away from me. Sharing it in such a way that he doesn’t feel threatened or blamed or told he is doing something wrong.

This was very, very difficult for me to do, and it got less difficult years later, thank god. I mean, it was so difficult. Part of me believed that when he was generous to someone else that he was hurting me and it made me angry. So my first reaction was to lash out at him in anger, to argue or protest… and I had to … not do that.

My therapist told me “Do the opposite”- when feeling hurt (but not his doing), angry, to reach out to him for comfort instead of lashing out in anger. Done it again and again. It is getting easier.

Once the relationship stopped its massive bleeding (divorce was on its way), I attended the one to one where I got insight into my hurt about how my mother was generous to others and how jealous I was and how possessive I was of her… lots there, but I got the understanding of where that neurological pathway was established, what was fueling my jealously.

None of it is easy but it is doable. What do you think so far?

anita