Hi, I’m back 🙂 It was refreshing to reread my own posts and especially yours, anita. Your very first response to me about impatience especially rings true, but somehow my mind had glossed over it in its desperation. That is a very key piece of input that I need to continue deepening my understanding of in order to grow further. This is especially true, that you said: “You might get anxious at times and need the same kind of closeness as before, not being able to tolerate or endure the natural distancing”. And taking things personally. I think I get that from my mother, who is very black and white in her behavior to others and sees everything as extremely personal affronts to her as a person. My therapist helped me identify what I now see should have been obvious in this learned behavior. I still struggle with anxiety in close relationships, but now that I am not in one it is a tough problem to solve. I am very content (yet still working on myself) in the rest of my life outside of intimate relationships, at least 🙂

Anyhow, I decided to wait until after the New Year to contact my ex. I had sent him a very short and concise “Happy holidays” card with a gift card before Christmas. He sent me one that I got a few days after Christmas that was more detailed about the bike he got me and his visit to his family. I mostly did well during the month before talking, having a few breakdowns when I discovered pictures of him and everyone having a good time on the trip I was meant to go on. This is still a very sore subject for me because I long to travel but only want to travel with him (or a future partner) and so I am working on why this is right now.

I was hoping he would contact me first and I was terrified to send him a text (like I was as a teen messaging a crush for the first time.) He took a very long time to respond and it stretched out over half a day. I asked how he was doing and when he responded I was very direct and asked if he would like to meet. I figured he was busy but the anxiety started eating at me and gave me a stomach ache. When he agreed to meet and made time in his day (he was pretty busy) to see me, I relaxed again. We met at a coffee shop.

He brought his puppy so I could see her again since I had asked to see her one last time the night we broke up (but he wouldn’t have me come over because the finality of it was too sad he said.) He looked at me very deeply and lovingly and I could tell that his feelings were still very strong, which gave me confidence. We sat and talked for two hours and it was very pleasant. I reaffirmed that I didn’t mean to pressure him by meeting but I needed to do it for myself and that I had to be selfish and get some answers. He told me I wasn’t being selfish and that he was really glad I had asked to meet, even though he was stressed at first about it. I brought up how anxious I was in the few days before I thought we had planned to talk and laughed about it (my therapist does a fantastic job of helping me find humor in the seriousness of life- it’s very uplifting for me) and he told me he had planned to talk to me in the month of January some time while I was thinking literally a month would pass before we’d talk. I still find this miscommunication pretty funny.

We caught up on what we were doing and I didn’t hide the fact that sometimes I was sad and missed out on the trips he was going on and wished I could have seen his family and new niece over the holidays, but I let my natural confidence that I rediscovered show and was excited to share how well my marathon training has been, how excited I am to be doing the things I was doing, my new hobbies, the funny experience I had over New Years. I think it was great and helped him relax that I was doing well and getting on with my life without hiding the fact that I am still affected and grieving.

He shared his stories with me too and it turns out he was very emotional when he got my card and understood why it was so short. He was anxious before his trip he organized and a party he held but was finding confidence as he learned to do them on his own (one of the things he would constantly bring up while we were together was that he was just afraid of doing things on his own and wanted to face those… even though he really was doing them alone and I hardly participated. I never understood that need of his, but tried to be.) He eagerly asked me about other things in my life, thirsty to know more.

He is very busy now with his business and has many big goals coming up that he talked about while with me but I never knew why he was so reluctant to start them. Maybe it really was just the timing and enough time has passed for it to be feasible. For example, he wanted to carry out his own race. I asked him about it on occasion to see if he had made any progress on it and would ask him why he hadn’t (not putting pressure on him, just trying to be insightful) but he just didn’t seem ready to go for it for some reason. He’s been planning a lot of activities and involvement with his customers/clients and future trips. When he started talking about the trips (some to places that we had wonderful vacations in) he would start crying. He actually had a lot of tears while we talked, while I only teared up a little when I spoke of the shame I realized I had for wanting the things I wanted and feeling wrong for it.

All in all, I feel much better for having talked to him. A huge weight has been lifted from my shoulders. I think it was because I realized he still has feelings for me. My biggest fear is that he just fell out of love from me and wanted to date someone else. I did ask about that and as he has always told me before, he is not looking for a relationship and does not want one with someone else. BUT he often uses the word “should” when talking about where he is in his life and he says he SHOULD date casually. And that while he’s not looking for anything, if something were to happen he would maybe be open to it. I still struggle, though, with how you can love someone but risk throwing it away. I sat there with him for 3 minutes in silence trying to understand it. I wasn’t upset, I would get a glimmer of understanding, and when I tried to snatch it, it disappeared. I laughed and said I just don’t get it, but I guess I’ll just have to accept it.

We hugged several times, not wanting to leave but we both had dinners to go to. He ended up kissing me and it felt so nice to feel that again and we hugged and kissed before parting. I feel blessed that I have had the time with him that I had and as I read recently somewhere else (I think it was Inky) “I’m not attached to that happening, but I am also open to that happening.” I’m trying to be there and stay there. I’m open to moving on as well. I just know it would set me back a long ways if I do happen to find him dating someone else in a few months, but maybe by then I will have found more peace within myself and know it had nothing to do with me.

We have an open line of communication now that he said he would let me set the pace on. It’s been a week and I haven’t really had a desire to reach out. My therapist recommended what I have heard referred to as a form of “letters”. Things to show that he is still in my thoughts, sharing a funny photo or short story, and wishing him well, not expecting to hear back. I think that sounds sweet and if I feel the urge to share one I may do so.

Just thought I’d share this with you all! I still have a lot of sadness, especially when I think of the trips he will be going on without me, but I know that I will find my own journey that gives me as much pleasure some day soon and maybe even someone(else) to share it with!

• This reply was modified 8 years, 11 months ago by B.