She texted me tonight, and eventually called. We spoke on the phone for about 15 minutes. She said she missed me, and she apologized for it being a mess. She said she thought about me often and wishes she could call me and see me. Her next night off from work is Tuesday, and she wanted to meet with me if I was up for it.

I told her I couldn’t, that it would be too difficult. I said I’m still confused on a lot of things and I know she is too. She agreed with that. I said it is best for us not to talk, she asked if I meant forever and I said no.. just not for now. She was sad, and in short said she understood. She said the ball was in my court when and if I want to see her. I asked what it would mean if we did, because I certainly can’t be her friend right now.. but she said she wouldn’t be able to be just friends either. The unemotional side of me recognized that as being essentially us getting right back to square one. So thus nothing has changed. We both miss each other and are sad that we are no longer what we were, even though what we were wasn’t working.

I’ve learned a lot over the past 10 days. I know that seeing her won’t make this easier. I know that she wasn’t coming to me out of confidence, but out of confusion and sadness. I’m going to have to be the bigger one here and keep the distance. Using the strength I once put into the relationship to now hold a distance.

It didn’t tear me down to talk to her. I felt okay. I still do.

That’s where I’ll leave it for tonight.