Dear H1978:

I am glad no children are involved!!!

I can relate to your concern about his pain, his hurt… how he is suffering. I was like that too, for way, way too long. I was focused on someone else (my mother), her pain, her hurt…

Looking back at it from where I am now (away from that relationship), I realize two… strange things:

It was as if I didn’t exist; all there was – was HER pain. That is all that mattered.

And then, an even stranger thing: I realized that all along, it was not possible for me to feel her pain because it was not her brain in between my ears: all along it was me who was feeling pain. I am sure she felt pain, but the pain I felt was my own.

What I did, over time, starting with therapy… and it took me a long time, was to take sides: there was her side and there was my side. Eventually I took my side. She was hurting. I was hurting. Now whose side am I taking? To stay with her, it would me keep suffering AND she would keep suffering. To get away meant I would slowly stop suffering and… she would keep suffering.

I realized all that time I tried to ease her suffering- I failed. And kept myself suffering.

I chose me.

Can you relate to what I am saying…?

anita