Sivi, you need to get in touch with yourself. I mentioned journaling above, it really helped me. I thought it was silly at first, and I would skip a day here and there when there was nothing I deemed note worthy, but it’s a good tool to help you work through problems. Example, if you have a knot in your stomach, you could read over the days events to figure out when it started, or you could note how you feel in given situations. [Out with friends, but feel nervous] slowly you’ll begin to realize why. Therapy is another option, it will give someone to talk to and help you with these suicidal thoughts. If you can’t for whatever reason, try calling a helpline just to have someone to talk to and offer advice.

Meditation can also help you connect with your inner self. Don’t worry if your mind chatters away, the key is to let the thoughts flow. Some days you won’t think of anything and still your mind, other days you’ll have that annoying song you heard a billion times today playing on repeat, or your mind will recall events, just let it be. Keeping a notepad nearby can help should you realize anything. You also could do it whenever. Sitting on the bus or sipping your morning coffee [or tea in my case] just lean back and observe the world around you. No phone, no music, just let your mind go free.

Also, while I don’t suggest cutting ties with everyone, you might consider making a list of people you can rely on, people you can’t, people who make you feel amazing and people who drain your energy. Think about spending more time with the ones that build you up [family for example, and friends you consider family] in high school I had a huge network of friends, we may not of been close, but I knew a lot of people and we would talk and hang out on a regular basis. It’s been almost 10 years since we graduated. I can count my close friends on one hand, and if I include online friends and friends I only see at conventions I’m up to 12. Yet I don’t deal with drama or people bringing me down. I was sad when I realized I only have a handful of close friends all these years later, but I’ve come to accept and in fact love this. Friends aren’t trading cards.

Good luck to you.