Thanks guys

Inky:
You’ve hit the nail on the head. A lot of the anger I feel towards him stems from the fact that I turned my whole life around to accomodate for this defenceless child, and I did it because I love him/her and want what’s best for him in life. I bend over backwards, often forgoing what makes me happy. Changed everything about myself for this child. He, on the other hand, has not changed a single thing. He is a child himself, dependant on others to do things for him, even though he is almost 50. He surrounds himself with family and friends who enable and participate in the same self-destructive and anti-social behaviour. If you so much as question his actions he will cut you out of his life so fast, it will make your head spin. Support what he does, however, and you’re the best thing since sliced bread. This is the part that concerns me about him moving in with the girlfriend. I don’t know her (he won’t let me meet her), but from past experience, it would make sense that she would be encouraging and supportive of his lifestyle, otherwise he wouldn’t give her the time of day. I cannot allow my child to be unsupervised in such an environment. This is the basis for me pulling visitation once I discovered what’s going on.

From day 1, I was the one ensuring that they had time together. I drove her the hour and a half each way so that he could have his “rights as a father” (he has no license and refuses to get one – he’s never said it in so many words, but I presume it’s because it cuts into his drinking time). That’s 6 hours driving in 2 days every fortnight. I have given him every opportunity to have input into the important decisions in child’s life – daycare, school, etc – yet he refuses to do so. He tells our child he will attend special events such as concerts, parent-teacher interviews, birthdays parties, fathers nights at school, sports events, etc then backs out at the last minute telling everyone that it’s too far (he attended these things in the beginning, but it all stopped the second he got a girlfriend. Coincidence? Unlikely.) I felt embarrassed for my child in September when they had fathers night at school, and my child really wanted to go and be with friends and their dads. So, I took him myself. He got asked a lot “where’s your dad? Don’t you have one?” (You know what 5 year olds can be like. No filter.), and I watched him squirm not knowing what to say. He had fun though, and I’m so glad I took him, but watching him try and get the attention of all the other dads in the room broke my heart. It was at that point I realised that I am both mom and dad. His real dad is just some guy who pays me for the privilege of babysitting my child occasionally (lol).

Yet, I’m the bad guy for not letting him see his child. I stopped bending over backwards to force the relationship and now I’m “alienating” him. I want my child to have a father figure in his life, but not this guy. And I feel guilty about all of this. I know I shouldn’t, and that just makes it worse. I fight with myself in my own head about it on a daily basis. It makes me anxious. It makes me depressed. And it makes me feel like I’m going insane.

Anita:
I’ve been spending a lot of time recently googling “how to stop being so angry”, and the number one piece of advice in every single article I’ve come across is to “forgive”. That’s what brought me here and question whether I even have a right to be as angry as I am. I’m not sure what message could be hidden amongst all that anger that I’m not seeing, but at this point I’m so desperate for some peace and calm in my life that I’m open to hearing and discussing and trying anything.

Thank you everyone for your kind and insightful words. Truely. Please, keep them coming.