good morning anita –

i don’t practice any one religion, but i do believe in god. that he is here or there. i still have lots to learn spiritually and i know this kind of thing takes lots of time. at the moment i’d say i look at god as more of a friend than a mythical character because we’re supposed to build a relationship with him.

my parents seemed to be really nice to me. i feel like they tried to do the best they could. i’m the oldest. once they had my little brother i felt that he was the favorite. everyone’s favorite. my parents didn’t neccessarily neglect me, but i don’t feel a close connection with them. i think these problems came moreso from school and acquaintances. i never had any true friends i could hang out with and i never fit in. i used to get laughed at and talked about. i still do actually lol. it’s funny because people are so immature but i still can’t tell if these people really are better than me. whether i’m one step ahead of them or if they’re a million steps ahead of me. i always felt behind and i’ve always felt stupid but i don’t know where that feeling came from. and many things i feel i can’t share with other people because i feel like they’ll steal from me. like as if i can’t be myself without someone trying to leech me. it’s so bad now that i feel people know what i think and or are watching me. the only friend i ever had was my grandpa, but i knew him for a very short time and he passed away. it’s been hard to find any friends at all. everyone seems to just want to know answers to tests in school these days. an actual conversation is something i probably won’t get at school. i know this is a whole chunk of stuff but i think that it all might connect to something to make more sense of things.