Dear Adam:

You did not suggest I have ulterior motives. I suggested to you in the last post that in considering whether a person is worthy of your trust, his or her motivations need to be considered. I stated to you my motivation: interest in what is true.

No one should tell you what is true, it is something for you to find out. In seeing what is true, we need to peel off from what we see any and all distorted views, incorrect assumptions, wishful thinking and so on.

Regarding Dina’s post, how I view it: Dina said that she doesn’t think that your girlfriend was trying to hurt you or to make you jealous: ” “Hm. I dont believe she is trying to hurt you …not that shes trying to make you jealous”

Dina wrote that your girlfriend is trying to be very honest with you and tell you everything so that you will trust her and that she was simply trying to pass the boring time at work. She wrote that your girlfriend did not cheat on you and that it is not fair of you to hold her behavior against her. She wrote that at the beginning, your girlfriend “used a guy against you…trying to make you jealous likely because she was insecure in the relationship.” Dina also wrote: ” This is just one perspective though. I’m sure there are many! Best way to find out is just to talk to her bluntly. Tell her when she brings other guys into the relationship as a threat, it hurts you.”

This is my input on Dina’s post: trying to make you jealous is a manipulative act. The honest way to go about it when your girlfriend feels insecure is to tell you she is scared, not to manipulate you to feel jealous. So the jealousy manipulation is not honesty. Then what she did with the guy feels like she cheated on you and it is a form of cheating. Dina wrote that your girlfriend “used” the other guy: using people is not honest.

I wrote to you that I do agree that your girlfriend operates out of fear of you leaving her or not marrying her or abandoning her. This is why she manipulates you. Likely once you were no longer present with her at work, she was afraid she was losing you and manipulated you again through talk about the guy at work. Dina suggested you talk to your gf bluntly and you did. But she argued with you when you did, instead of telling you she felt insecure and that is what she did. Again she was not honest. And she apologized at times, so not to lose you.

Also, sure it is boring at work.. but it has nothing to do with her being dishonest.

When she is scared again, insecure again, and she will be, she will manipulate you again because this is her pattern. Let’s say you marry her and have to travel for business or the like, or you have a job that takes you away for much of the day… guess what happens then…

Dina does not know your girlfriend and neither do I, not in person. I did read all your posts though and I trust your feelings, the feelings you stated repeatedly. You want to believe that your girlfriend is honest and she seems honest at times, but she is not consistently honest, only when it serves her.

If your girlfriend is this wonderful woman who loves you purely, why is it that you feel so terrible, for so long?

Your own emotions. They are your guide in combination with your logic.

If you don’t see what is real, then you pay the price with your own mental health.

Please post again and best to you in what I hope will be your efforts to look at her from a fresh new perspective.

There are dishonest and manipulative people in the world, some cold and calculating, others impulsive, clumsy, scared… and calculating. See who she is for yourself. If you marry her, do not do it while distressed and confused. Dishonest, manipulative people often operate to confuse and distress the victim so that the … victim does what they want done.

anita