Dear Amy:

A thought I had this morning before reading your latest post, about emotional acceptance, remember? No longer resisting reality, waking up each morning and saying: No, this cannot be my life! it is not supposed to be like this!

Well, I was thinking about accepting the following: he is not a good father. you stated this from the beginning, again and again. So it makes sense, if you fully accept it, to be interested in No relationship between your child and him. I think what happened in the past is that you were attached to the concept that a child needs a mother and a father. It is the social convention, but in reality, million of children (you when you were a child, included, not so?) who live with a mother and a father are mentally unwell and become very unwell adults. In my experience all it takes for a child to be mentally well is ONE good enough parent, only one parent in their lives to really see the child, pay attention, mirror feelings (“yes, I see that you are sad” for example), validate their feelings )”It hurts when X did this to you…), one parent for the child to feel safe to reach out to, etc.

So, accepting he is a bad father, have your intent at NOT encouraging a relationship between the two, it only makes sense.

As to your last post:I think the x,y.z step is not a bad one. Maybe he will not follow through. And about him having a girlfriend and being careful about what you wish… again, if he is a bad father and having a girlfriend caused him to be less involved with your child, why is it a bad thing???

In your favor, as I see it, is that he is older, almost 50, that he is occupied with a live in girlfriend and that he is likely to withdraw from your child further! This is a much better situation than if he was young and focused on your child, isn’t it?

anita