Dear Anita,

Last week, I was doing so well. Right now, it is the complete opposite. I now understand what you meant when you said it was not a linear process and that it would not get better and then even better but that rather there would be some regression at times. I completely understand it now.

Unfortunately, yesterday during the day, my anxiety was very high. Deep breathing helped, but I felt my anxiety escalating, creeping up on me, building and building. I could not calm it. I tried being mindful, but my anxiety was too much. Before leaving the house to pick up my brother, I ran through the house twice to make sure everything was off and that the back door was locked. After heading out to my car, I couldn’t help but think that I had left the lamp on in my room, which I knew I hadn’t but I couldn’t resist the urge to check anyway, so I unlocked the door as fast as I could, fumbling around, only to realize that yeah, the lamp had been turned off. Driving was fine. I was calmer than ever.

However, when I got home, and as the evening progressed, my anxiety started coming back. I have an exam in biology today, so maybe that’s the cause. I suppose I’m anxious about not doing well, about failing. I noticed that as soon as I started studying for the exam, my anxiety would get stronger. I don’t understand why, I know the material. I suppose I’ve just been feeling burnt out. I don’t like that, it’s only 3 weeks into the semester and all ready I feel like I am pushing myself too hard. So I drank some tea but it didn’t help this time. I even noticed how anxious my dog had become throughout the day as well. He sensed my distress.

It was hard to fall asleep. I wasn’t thinking about anything really, I just couldn’t sleep, it has become a habit for me to lay in bed for about 2 hours before I can get any sleep. I finally fell asleep, only to wake up at 2 am. I tried practicing being mindful, but it only made me feel worse. I was panicking, it felt like I was drowning in my anxiety. My whole body felt it. I couldn’t breath, I felt the goosebumps on my skin, I was nauseous. I tried thinking about the sky and the earth, it didn’t help. I couldn’t stay in bed, it felt like the onset of a panic attack. The heat was unbearable. It’s been about 3 years since the last time I had a panic attack and I didn’t want to have another one.

I got up, walked around for a few minutes, had trouble breathing, feeling cold and nauseous, but I managed not to have a panic attack. So at least there’s that. I went back to bed, not a good idea, feeling ill again. Got up, laid down in the living room on the new sofa, I just started at the clock for about 6 minutes, watching the blue numbers slowly change. I felt the leather underneath me rustle as I tried to get comfortable on the couch. I felt better, so I went to bed again. I felt vulnerable out in the darkness of the living room which is what prompted me to go back to bed. There it was, that fear. Fear of what is in the dark.

It didn’t help that for dinner I had eaten pork yesterday. Unfortunately, it seems that I have developed an allergy to pork, and I was feeling the ill effects of that as well as my anxiety simultaneously. Not a good thing. I can’t stand feeling ill, so this is it for me, no more pork. That gives me some piece of mind.

Now I really must get some sleep, it’s 20 past 3 and I’ve got to be up in less than 4 hours. Hopefully I can sleep, and hopefully I’ll have a better day.