you’re exactly right, anita. although i can’t speak for my parents, that’s vedy close to exactly how i’ve always felt about them. even now i feel my brother tends to get the most attention. usually out of everybody. i sort of envy him i guess. he has musical talents and i don’t really know if i do because i never explored, but my brother can come in contact with a piano and play a song he knows…WITHOUT EVEN KNOWING HOW TO PLAY THE PIANO. and he seems to get off easier for things like getting a job and living a life. i guess cause i’m the oldest certain things are expected of me. but usually i feel like my parents keep telling me to do these kinds of things so they can say that i did it. like how some parents want their kids to be prestigious doctors. i’m just not that good at anything. as far as i know anyway. and i don’t really know what i want to do with my life, but i feel like i’m running out of time. i feel like i’ve wasted my whole life and it’s just getting close to that dead end where there’s no more time for me to make up my mind.

all my life i feel i’ve been trying to find that attention for other people, but for some reason people always push me away. i’ve gotten used to it. i don’t even expect friends anymore. not in real life or even the internet. i think that there’s something else that god wants me to do or look at. i know you said you don’t believe in destiny, but i really do. i think i’m destined to be alone. for now maybe. i think i have things to accomplish before anything else comes for me, but i have no idea what that can be. that hasn’t been answered for me just yet i think.