Dear Heikki,

Thank you very much for writing and sharing your words of wisdom. You describe years and experiences we both share. It’s very good to hear that you and Michael have created a different perspective on life and are happier for it. Love does start with loving yourself, and as such my focus has been on creating “metta” or loving-kindness in mediation, since I posted here. Do you do this as well? Even though it’s pretty early days, I already feel some of the seeds of love planted. The support and added courage of your words, help with the patience to see these seeds bloom to fruition.

Before mentioning the things that are going well, I’d like to ask you: How has setting boundaries improved your experiences? What is the thought process you use or a book you recommend? I have looked into the subject (Pia Mellody I believe wrote a lot on the subject). But I still find myself in resentment when a “no” is being ignored, or when I say something like “I feel angry/hurt about what you said/did”. I find this message still gets ignored, leading to resentment and suffering for both people involved. Since that is not what I want to happen, I just choose to not engage, unless there is absolutely no other option. This is a fear based response and leads to resentment eventually for me.

You mention focussing on hobbies, which is something that I find myself doing a lot more and is reassuring that this practice helped you as well. During depression I felt mostly unable to express myself creatively. While creativity is a key to experiencing life at it’s fullest.

You also mention self-help books. Again this was a point of focus for me since the last year and a half or so. The perspective has shifted though. In the early days I used to read books about what was wrong with me and the people I felt hurt by. Terms like codependence came up a lot. However the last months the information I gather has shifted, from naming and labeling what’s wrong, to just finding ways to improve upon the perception of life. Because as you mention to forgive people that hurt you is an important step to overcoming fear, resentment and suffering. Just last night I wrote some of these people a letter. I’m not sure if I’ll ever send them, however it contained a message of love and understanding, not of resentment and judgement. Since the way they treated me (and let myself be treated), is a product of their own suffering and lack of self love. And I honestly wish them strength and love in overcoming this.

The final thing I like tot touch upon is letting go. This is the elephant in the room I feel. Even during meditation, half the time I do not seem to be able to let go of the mind/ego. Yesterday I tried repeating over and over “let go” during every thought that crossed my mind during mediation. Mostly during negative thoughts. But also during positive ones. It felt really liberating. Since I only tried this for the first time yesterday, any further advice on letting go is more then welcome, as I feel it and metta are the two things I should focus on most for the next few months.

Wasn’t really planning on writing in on any progress on tinybuddha in a little while, I actually logged on to try and help some other people, like you, Anita and Michael have in response to my message. I cried of joy reading your messages, since I do not recall “strangers” to ever be this warm and loving in life. It means more then words can express. I one day hope to return this kind of love to anyone in need. Thank you and bless you.

Leke