Dear zenstrawberry:

You wrote that you are: “…filtering who I am around other people out of a need to be liked.”

I think that an even deeper way to look at it is that you filter who you are around other people out of fear to be disliked, rejected, harmed.

Fear is the most powerful emotion there is.

To be genuine with another and with people it takes healing from the injury you suffered when you were very genuine, that is when you were a young child. You were very genuine then, no filtering, no self protection and that is when you were hurt by your parent/s, it hurt so badly that you shut down. And ever since you are afraid of feeling that pain, almost as if you forgot it already happened and you keep expecting it yet to happen.

To heal an injury that happened in the context of an intimate relationship (with a parent), you need to be in a healing relationship. Often it can be one with a competent, caring, hard working psychotherapist, a safe, intimate relationship where healing can be done. Sometimes healing can be done in the context of a safe friendship, or a safe romantic relationship.

Only your ex boyfriend was not able to provide you the safety you needed. He didn’t understand you were filtering yourself not by choice but by fear. He didn’t understand he can’t argue with fear. If he understood and was capable and willing, he would have been that safe place for you where you could slowly shed off the filters and be your genuine self with him… and over time, with others as well, slowly, patiently, over time.

What do you think…?

anita