Nina,

Thank you for the response. Here are my answers to your questions:

We were together 8 months. Not very long, but I felt very close to her and she seemed to clearly reciprocate those feelings.

I know that my insecurities about dating and relationships contributed to the breakup. I definitely had moments of avoidant behavior and passive aggressiveness that became very clear to me once the conversation about breaking up began. I don’t feel entirely responsible though, because I did try to approach the situation from position that we could work on the relationship and address the issues that it had. I was repeatedly told by her that there wasn’t anyway forward.

I still don’t know exactly why she left. The reason doesn’t seem to matter because she made it clear that she didn’t want to continue the relationship. I still feel hurt and on some level betrayed.

Although I don’t blame entirely for the breakup, I do blame my sense of purposelessness for the way I’ve felt, thought, and reacted to both the relationship and the breakup. In some sense, I was trying to find my own happiness and purpose through the relationship. I was probably unconsciously and consciously placing a lot of pressure on her to provide a sense of belonging and an anchor that I felt I lacked. Had I had that to begin with, I don’t think I would have clung to her so much and I don’t think I would continue to feel so devastated by the breakup.

In terms of career paths, I’ve been trying to pursue my desire to create art by balancing two seasonal jobs. Both of these jobs have me moving constantly and I’ve been trying to use the time in between to create art. For the most part I’ve enjoyed the work of both jobs and I still feel a strong desire create, but after losing my partner, not being able to develop a strong social circle because of how much I move, and being constantly worried about finances, I no longer feel I believe in the choices I’m making. I would love to have job where I have the freedom to create and be based in a community that I feel connected to. I don’t have any prospects, so I am trying to figure out what and where would be a good match for me.

I touched on your third question a little bit above. I know that my unstable work life is contributing to my feeling that I cannot maintain close relationships with anyone for very long. I move every couple months to different countries and my seasonal work involves being in very remote places. My jobs, however, aren’t the only thing I feel is holding me back from developing closer relationships with people. I’ve struggled to be open and honest with people. In many situations I act quite passively. I feel my lack of assertiveness and openness is preventing me from developing the close friendships and relationships I want.

I really appreciate you asking me these questions. I feel that writing out the answers is helping me get to a better understanding of what is bothering me and what I might need to do to address my feelings. Please feel free to share any of your thoughts.

DH