I am so sorry you are going through this. It seems awful to have your husband withholding intimacy and not talking to you. I think this is unfortunately common in many marriages. It sounds like he has some issues he needs to work through within himself.

I would not blame you if you divorced your husband. Please don’t have kids with him if you are so uncertain. A lifetime of little sexual intimacy seems miserable. But maybe this is something the two of you can work through, if you really love each other.

My advice is for you to try to focus on other areas of your life besides your love life. Your job, friends and activities you enjoy. Try to strengthen the other areas of your life so if you do leave your husband you will still have a lot of other stuff in place that will sustain you and make you happy. If your husband is withdrawn, maybe he needs space. Chasing him will only push him away more. But if you are a strong and happy person he will be attracted to you.

It sounds like you are feeling insecurity within yourself that is made worse by your husband’s behavior and is soothed by this other man. If you develop other parts of your life you will be a stronger person and your husband’s behavior won’t hurt you so much. But using two men to meet your needs in this way is not emotionally healthy or sustainable. It is a sure path to failure in any relationship.

I think this love triangle is dangerous and will lead to hurt feelings. It is not fair to either man. If you are not ready to leave your marriage you probably need to stop seeing this other man. Take some time to decide if you want to stay in the marriage. It may take time to sort this all out and that is okay. If you do leave your husband you might find that your feelings towards the other man diminish after you are free of the marriage.