Hi. I also created my account simply because I felt like your description of your wife is a description of myself. Maybe after reading all this, she is nothing like me. I don’t know if this will help. So me personally, I want to love my husband, be in love with him. There are so many things right about him. He could probably have anyone he wants. I don’t think less of myself because of that but think he deserves more because I know he is getting the crappy version of myself and I can’t seem to turn it off. We married young, 19 & 23. I was in love. Wish I would have saw the world first. Now we say we’ll see it together. However when I envisioned it back then, it was alone, as an independent, strong, and thriving girl becoming a woman (cliché but so life giving as a thought), not having to answer or consider anyone else. I did the opposite.
THE PAST:
The kids have become our focus (3yr old and 9yr old); we barely have time to keep up with the day’s demands. If I had to pick a life event that impacted us negatively, I would say his job. Six years or so ago, he was a supervisor, moving up pretty fast but then he and a female were inappropriate at work. He was fired and it turned into a legal thing we had to fight. He was on unemployment for awhile. I stood by. We had our daughter. Around the same time, I had gotten great job and found Zumba as a passion, lost weight looked great and unfortunately responded to the first co-worker that hit on me. I know. Where was my self-esteem? Anyway, this was not his first offense, just his first one at work. I think honestly I hang on to wishing I was smart enough to dump him the first time he messed up, before we married but here we are now, 12yrs and two kids in. We’ve gone to boot camp and learn we have to forgive over and over, even for an old offense that we remember. We decided to heal and go forward. The real reason I bring up his job is because since he was fired he had to look for another right? Well he got a job at a dealership.
FAST FORWARD TO NOW:
It requires a lot more hours. At first I was bothered that our Saturday’s together were gone, he’d be coming home late and at unpredictable hours. I was also super stressed that future paychecks were unpredictable (commission). I told him how much I hated it. This went on for a while. He still works there. He wants to stay and I can see how. Reasons not listed. However, a lot of nights I don’t know when he is coming home. Sometimes, he tends to revert back to late hours for the deal, for the bread. We talked about this a while back and he has worked on even handing a deal to someone else just so he can be home. I take the kids to their games on Saturdays and he tries his best to make it, which he does most of the time. I get it. He wants to feel like he is doing his part and providing. I miss our Saturdays a lot. After the change in his job, I remember taking my kids to eat on a Saturday and seeing a couple with each other sitting and talking, seemingly without care. I teared up on the spot. Seeing that broke my heart. Because he screwed up and we all had to suffer. I treasured our Saturdays so much. I talked to him about that to. Now he at least tried to make it to our kid’s games. We also make the best out of our Sundays. I am telling you he is great despite the past. Anyway, all his working has become something else I have just come to be ok with. I told him and myself I would just numb myself to it. He brought home good money and we stuck it out. Now I am to the point where I somewhat prefer it, accepted it. I don’t feel it bothers me now. Or do I?
AVOIDING FAMILY:
We live maybe 7 minutes away from my father and mother with my live in sister and her kids. It is family I rather avoid than be around these days. We use to be there all the time and all having a great time. My parents use to be part of our couple’s date. Not anymore. My dad had a stroke a couple years back, things have been tougher all around since. My sister has repeat drama. Maybe we never adapted. IMO my mom is trying to save everyone and is taking care of too many grandkids (says she loves it). She takes care of my 3yr old while I am at work. I think she is stressed out and has turned somewhat negative and dominating in most conversations when we do sit and talk. Now I just associate them with drama and stress even on days it is not. I pick up my kid and get going in the nicest way I can. His side of the fam? We’ve visited his family in Honduras and I can go for a quick minute but I am usually ready to go right back home. And something he and no one else knows that…I would never consider an extended stay or move to Honduras if circumstances required it. I feel so bad for that and I feel like it is a huge secret. It makes me feel like I don’t love him as much as love should love. Also I could never have sex again and I would be fine with that. Sometimes I have to because it is like working out….you’re glad you did it once you did it. SMH.
ALL-IN-ALL:
Honestly, we have a really great family and an unconditional support system from our extended family. From the outside, things are awesome. Our Sundays together (kids, hubby & I) are pretty great! So mom and dad are doing great but husband and wife…not so much. And if you made it this far, thanks for caring. I am looking for advice.
I committed to us and have stuck it out repeatedly. I have felt proud and happy with the decision at times. I want to see that man as my old man in a wheel chair next to me. I want my kids to be proud of us and to be an example but I have several conflicting emotions as you can see. And I don’t know what is right or wrong. And I don’t want to break my children’s hearts.