You summed it up accurately, Anita. I don’t know about the future, but truly my heart does not accept that this is all there could ever be. I’m not naive to believe in fairy-tale endings and all, but I do know what we meant and still mean to each other. Much, much more than either of us (especially she) is willing to express. When we talked on phone, she sounded a little nervous initially, I asked her to be calm and relax, and she laughed at my words. I cannot express what I felt as I heard it. More than that, I truly did feel that she was much happy talking to me, even if she didn’t admit it. I’m not saying she too loved me in this manner, but after I confessed my feelings for her, she said – “I don’t know why you felt this because we never shared anything personal, always talked just about our Facebook page, TV show and all. I always made it clear I consider you my bro.” The first part simply is not true. We did share a lot of personal info, much more than we ever did with anyone else. She herself admitted it. I feel she’s afraid to express it, due to her family or own personal code or whatever.

I do believe in what my heart says, that we did not get so close for it to end just like this or be limited to an online friendship. And though I always try to be rational, I cannot help but consider Paulo Coelho’s famous Alchemist quote. At least from my side, I know my heart cannot love anybody else the way I love her. I just wish to follow my heart, prove myself worthy and do my best, and leave the rest to karma or whatever.