dear anita

thanx fr all ur support and analysis.

i nvr knew this need of not being hurt changed into need for praise and approval and then transformed for need for power.
its a valid point and makes sense. i m pondering over it.
but hw it works in my brain is that, in any social situation i assess what it is the near idea role to be played or expected and somehow play it using whatever i have got to earn approval,praise and not likely to b judged adversely in the situation. i must look good and be liked.

however i want to change it. today when i was thinking about let authenticity set in my daily life, i again got struck by the goal loop. i need to develop a product, a great product(career wise) and that would take a decision. that would be based on a future outcome. that will determine my happiness and my social standing in life. we do need to make a mark in this world, stand out and be counted as significant. but this very idea of future as a point of happiness and present as a means to get there, is against the recently acquired spiritual understanding. what shut i do.

am i using this spirituality argument to hide from fear of failure or shy from hardwork of developing a product. is my spiritualism an escape as i cannot compete in the cut throat competition of the material world. this doubt occupied my day.

i concede that i have been a manipulator deep inside, but again thats how the world works. where hostile egos compete for success here, somehow you need to get your way out without causing much discord or conflict. i want to change this.

had u been me.. what would have u done..

figured out ur goals in line with authentic self… or develop a product and raise ur standards… or leave this ego centric mirage chasing world and accept ur self and search for peace.. or delve into ur real self and try to eradicate the false self.

i again thank u fr ur kind endeavours. don’t judge me because i turned out this way. i just went with the flow. but my thinking is still about comparisons, making it, judging people and attributes and somehow avoiding disapproval. how do i choose a side and stick to it. right now i feel pulled in all directions.

there is fear,ambition,search for peace, stubborn inherent needs, responsibilities, a lot of competing arguments and fell torn between them. ur voice of reason brings some peace and a direction. need further opinions from you.