Yes Anita. I need to use those tools to the fullest in order to control the rage. At least I’m trying in little ways to make it more effective. Like today while returning home, my dad took a wrong turn at a place that caused us to get stuck in a jam. I got irritated a blurted out a word I had sworn not to use. So decided to punish myself by cutting down snacks tonight. Feels almost childish but I just want to leave no stone unturned. 😛 And am maintaining that diary regularly.

That’s a plausible explanation, though I’m not sure if that’s it. My mom never really disliked me being close to friends and all… but grandma did, though she doesn’t admit it. The last line you wrote – “to love is to possess, to be loved is to be possessed” does ring a bell uncomfortably, though. I vividly remember that “she is MINE, I wish I was her only brother, I wish all that love was MINE only” feeling. What baffles me is, I had never felt this way for anyone else, no matter how much I liked them. Here, however, I could not even stand them having a conversation, no matter how short. If she did not reply me on messenger, I used to automatically feel she’s chatting with him. If she was offline on messenger, I used to feel she’s chatting on Facebook. If offline on both places, I felt she’s admiring his photos on Instagram or talking on phone. I used to keep checking if he’s online, and when he came, kept demanding her what she’s doing, whom she’s talking with. Needless to say, she didn’t like this pathological obsession of mine at all and it only made things worse. And the incident I mentioned in my first post (her Liking his photos) finally broke the dam. I got forcibly angry, saying that this proves she loves him far more than me and never truly considered me a brother… no wonder she was so hurt and upset. I regret all of it so badly.

I just wish I had the courage to accept my true feelings earlier, so that much of this above fiasco could’ve been avoided. I had bee trying to forget all this. But after your suggestion about trying to understand what message my anger/frustration has been giving me, I’m trying to decipher the message in this. Perhaps it may be relevant in helping win over the chronic anger.