Dear Anita,

thank you again for your response and your wise words.

I really value your input about not having a loving relationship with someone else and it really got me thinking. I do consider that my relationship has grown with my family members. I think one of the main reasons for leaving my home country was to get away and get some clarity over my relationship to them. See I grew up as a people pleaser – mum had depression and my dad was emotional unavailable and quite mean in his words. Of course they were loving as well and my chilhood was very safe in other ways. The relationship between my parents have always been cold, uncommunicating and rather abusive – I have never seen them kissing or hugging.
The worst part is that my “partner” reminded me of my dad and I fell into the same behaviour as my mother – which really scared me.
Everything I always wanted the opposite from I became.

My “partners” parents were similar – they fought a lot and the mother was doing everything by her self.

I do not feel confused the whole time – sometimes I feel grounded and ok – but only when I practise mindfulness. Do you think the childhood patterns could have led me to be this confused? It feels like my friends and family do help but I think I am the problem – see my “partner” had so many good sides too, he really did. I think as my relationship with others might have improved – my relationship with myself has not really improved much. I seem to focus outwards instead of inwards.

I am just scared that if I do not know what a loving relationship is then how can I tell that this one was unhealthy?
So many times I thought that I do not want this but that it is “normal” – his parents are and my parents are.
But I never wanted it to be like that.

And my “partner” has told me many things about who he is and isn’t and I guess I look at other people and they adore him.
It would be different maybe if he did not have any friends.. I think I take everything in consideration.

I value your explanation to “no need to be anything” – that is so very true. I think that I played a part – for very long. I think that is one of the reasons that brought me here. I felt so heavy in the end not knowing what to give, or how and why. The confusion should I not want to give. He always says that he does not need anything from me – but maybe we all do.

I find your description of the puppet great – but at the same time wonder as the words I have shared, and is all you can now, there is so much more to the story. I might have felt like the puppet in the story but so many times I wanted to be the puppet and just play along.

I have refused to listen to myself and when I do it feels calm. As I already know. And I have always known. I just wanted to have something that was not for me – I really did. I really wanted it to work. But all along I was avoiding the journey I need to embark on by myself.

Anita, do you think that two people can be incpompatible with each other and that they can with old wounds create a toxic relationship together.

Thank you once again for kindness and understanding.

Best wishes,

Ann