Adam,

Sometimes we get confused about what provides us nourishment in each moment, and so we scramble for it unskillfully. I’m sympathetic to the difficulties you’re expressing, and a few things came to heart as I read your words.

What I read is you find great nourishment in connecting with others. This is great, fine and worthy. Human connection is one of the three needs for spiritual development (according to the Buddha… it is the Buddha, dharma, and sangha. Said differently it is our ability to awaken, the truth we resonate with, and the community that we connect to). But what is going wrong?

When we engage with others, and our confidence is low, we slip away from our inner truth and adopt theirs. Said differently, we look to others for kindness and acceptance when we don’t have those for ourselves. It is like we have a leaky bucket, where praise goes in and slips out before it has a chance to help our confidence grow. For people with empathy it is even more difficult, because there are many layers to each moment… often the words said conflict with other perceptions that arise.

There is a relatively simple solution, though it is a process. We have to figure out who we are. Know thyself. Come to know what you perceive and what you feel. Then, take responsibility only for that.

The process or practice of doing that is meditation. Consider perhaps looking for a meditation center in your local area, where teachers help people just like us find the path to inner wellness. Said differently, when we spend time sitting with our self, we come to know and love our bodies and minds, and it provides us an authentic confidence that nourishes us in a way that is critical.

If you’re hesitant to find a meditation center, consider reading about co-dependence, as it seems you have a similar difficulty. Pia Melody has a great book as does Melody Beattie. In the mean time, you could do some activities that are self nurturing. What do you like to do? What activities open your heart and help you feel comfortable and confident? For me, playing with my kids, soft music, cooking, writing, bathing and meditating do it. What does it for you? Perhaps it is time to turn your attention inward, and work to please yourself. It is not selfish! As you become more stable and happy, your gifts to others will be much more nourishing to us all.

With warmth,
Matt