Thanks for everybody for contributing and helping me out with this mess. I really appreciate.
This post maybe some kind of an update. I have not been on TB for a almost 1½ weeks I guess. I have tried to keep myself somewhat active by seeing friends, finishing my removal and buying some new nice stuff to my new house. Actually I had a foreign friend visiting me too (a woman) during this time.
In a way I have good news I guess. Because I was not able to “lure” my ex to have conversation with me about what has happened I neened to utilize other channels to get my message to her ears. Thing that I did was to call her mother. We talked more than hour on the phone about our break up and about what happened. It was quite strange to hear that even her mother was a bit unsure about what’s going on. Seems like her own parents don’t actually know that much about what is running in her head right now. By the moment when we hung up the phone call I draw a conclusion that her decision to bring her new man to our own country has been rather a quick one. As if there has not been any serious and sound consideration on this matter. They just told that they are coming. So their love seems really intense? That new guy must really be the best man on earth for her to make her do such a drastic changes in her life..
Eventually, in the end of last week, I received sms from her and she told that we can talk when she comes back to city in few weeks. So her mother did the job for me. I guess mothers usually have that kind of effect on people.
And as some of you pointed out already: I really deserve that chance to talk and get some kind of closure…
So maybe I should start thinking what I want to ask from her? It’s easier said than done…I only have finite amount of time with her and I cannot unleash my feelings uncontrollably so I need to think this stuff over…
Maybe asking what made her feel like she felt?
Why I was not enough for her anymore?
Was she hiding some feelings from me during the last 6 months before we got abroad?
…
I mentioned things I’ve tried to do to make myself feel better. I am just not sure if it helps. I am feeling that I am still not moving to any direction. It is incredible how much I cry and how sad I feel. As if there was void inside me. Well of course there is…
My GP (doctor) wanted to prescibe me some SSRI-medicines (antidepressants) but after I thought it over for one week I decided not to start taking this medication. There is nothing wrong in me – feeling as shit as I feel is normal in given situation – and I have a lot to learn about my own emotions, how to balance then instead of dwelling in misery and self-pity. But that is how I am. Always really analytic, sensitive and melancholic. Not to forget my life-long issues with my self-esteem which is quite bad.
Could somebody tell me when it is not normal anymore to “love” the person that dumbed you? I cry so much on the evenings when I am alone. Even when I am surrounded by new people I feel totally lonely, and after the event I go home and cry again.
It has been 209 days since the day I saw her the last time and almost a year since we went abroad.
Yet here I am not moving to any direction.
How many years more I need to swallow these emotional razors?
Though I run this site, it is not mine. It's ours. It's not about me. It's about us. Your stories and your wisdom are just as meaningful as mine. 