Today’s the last day I make a fool of myself. Sorry Matt, don’t know any other way of wording it.

These last 2weeks at work have been hell. I dread going to work every day. It would be so much easier if he was how he use to be with me. Not in the intimate sense, but in the friend sense.

I’ve always hated the feeling of somebody being mad at me. If I made an error I have no problem apologizing for it. I have to fix it.

I felt like he was mad at me for how everything went down when he ended it for “my sake”. I’ve apologized to him for my part in it. He said I have nothing to apologize for and that he was not mad. He said we would always be friends. His actions have said otherwise. I feel like he’s been avoiding me, barely saying two words to me. Doesn’t hardly say good morning and if he does its more formal now. Leaves before lunch. We use to do lunch a lot. Etc.

I’ve been sick since last week and today I stayed home from work. Before, he would always check on me if I didn’t come in. Today not a word from him. Such a small thing, but it hurt. Especially since I already felt tension. Earlier today, before lunch, I sent him a text to first see if he was at work. An hour later he replied that he was. Again, I tell him I’m sorry if I made him angry and I tried to joke with him. We always joked a lot. That’s one thing I enjoyed about him. He’s silly and makes me laugh. About an hour later from that one he replied with “???” I replied that I missed him and I hate this. I asked him why he was being distant and cold with me and is this the way it’s going to be between us. No reply.

(I miss his friendship, I miss laughing with him, I miss the lunches we took a couple times a week, and yes, I miss his touch, his hugs, and his kisses, I miss even flirting with him- & I could really use a hug right now)

I value him as my friend and wanted to keep that. We were friends first, but I can’t keep doing this to myself. I treated him like he mattered cause he did/does. I offered him my love, he rejected me. I was there so many times when he needed me and he can treat me like this? I never made him feel like he was bothering me or that he was wasting my time. I don’t deserve this. I’m better than this. If he thinks it’s ok then maybe, as much as it hurts, his friendship is one I don’t need. No more. I can’t do it anymore. What am I fighting for? I think I keep giving him the benefit of the doubt and looking for him to show he cares so I will know I was not just an option to him. A notch on his belt.

I’m conflicted. I know I shouldn’t apply value to myself by the value others place on me. I also feel that we as humans need validation from others. Not from everyone, but from those that you place value on. Those that count in your life. I valued him and his opinion.

Maya Angelou said, “Never make someone a priority when all you are to them is an option.”

If he wants to be friends ok I’m there, but I can’t fight for it anymore. I feel like I’m trying to force the square block into the circle hole. I’m exhausted. Time to stand up and begin living again. I’m tired of being sad. I’m tired of crying vWill this be easy, not at all. It hasn’t been yet. Will there be more tears, most likely.

With help from this site and it’s fantastic support system I’ll make it. I love this site. So many insightful, helpful people. Gives me a venue to have a voice, shed some tears, vent and receive feedback.

A few things about me that might work in my favor is: I’m stubborn. I’m not a quiter. I’m determined. So I’m too stubborn to fold and crumble, I won’t quit on myself, and I’m determined to be ok.

Maya Angelou also said, “You alone are enough. You have nothing to prove to anybody.”

Smart woman.