Amanda,

I’m sorry for the restlessness and difficulty you’ve been having. Congratulations on taking control and trying to move your life toward health and balance. I’m impressed with your willpower and determination. It makes sense that now that you’ve climbed the “six pack abs” mountain, you’re looking around and thinking “hmmm, still not happy, that’s odd.” Don’t despair, dear sister, there is always a path toward joy, and you’re a lot closer than you think. A few things came to heart as I read your words.

Many of the sages and wise beings have taught us that peace is available here and now. Peace at every step, the kingdom is at hand, and so forth. This seems to be the unturned stone that you’re missing. Instead, you have fallen into a pattern of “if only”, which is often like an ugly beast, sitting on our shoulder driving us forward. If only the friends, I could be happy. If only the six pack abs, I could be happy. If only my butt looked such and such, my hips so and so, my boobs this way and that way. If only I could find happiness, I could be happy. On and on the mind and body seek some future where we might have the right conditions for happiness, but time and again it falters… the mirage fades when we get there. That’s not to say there isn’t a little happiness that arises… but it fades quickly.

The difficulty perhaps arises because the mind becomes patterened into thinking “if only”, so it looks for the reasons why we don’t deserve rest, deserve peace. Said differently, the source of your unhappiness wasn’t in the fat on your belly, that was just the mind looking for some reason to justify its unease.

Instead, what we can do is begin a practice of self nurturing, reminding our body and mind that it is loved. The key to lasting joy is generosity, not a success, piece of cloth, or shape to our body. So, be generous to yourself… take a bath with candles, visit a beautiful place, listen to soft music, laugh, sing, dance. Give yourself time and tender care. Spend time telling your body you’re grateful that it works well, that it is strong and limber, that your senses work and organs do their thing. This refuels our stability and connection to the present moment, which is where all of the light and love hides, all the joy rests. Consider that you can replace the whip that pushes Amanda into shape with a song that Amanda sings that moves her dance through time.

Also, consider some metta meditation (YouTube “Sharon guided metta meditation” if you’re interested). Metta is a very direct form of self nurturing, and helps us connect to unconditioned warmth so we can detach more easily from conditional happiness. Said differently, if you take the time to intentionally cultivate the energy of happiness directly, you won’t have seek it anymore. Namaste, sis, I hope you find the love and nourishment you seek.

With warmth,
Matt