Hey,
I find your topic really interesting and I may be making assumptions but your ‘voice’ (the way you’ve expressed yourself here) sounds mature, coherent and you show a good understanding of what’s going on for you at the moment. It seems you’re not deluding yourself about anything and many people who find themselves in situations like this do try to delude themselves…they defend, deny or ignore the problems. At least you know you want a better life for yourself.
The problem is, what do you do next? You can’t FIND happiness or contentment. I think in Western society we’re fed a certain message and that is: work hard and you will succeed and be happy. There are plenty of opportunities for everyone, you just need to go out and find them.
Unfortunately, this is real life and things don’t really work like that. Something I came to realise in my darkest times is, I am enough as I am. Even if you can’t make it through a few hours, let alone a whole day, without getting high is irrelevant. You are enough, you’re good enough. You don’t need to show anyone evidence for this. Get in the right mindset and things WILL fall into place, in ways you can’t imagine or predict. One of the most beautiful things about life, strangely, is how unpredictable it is.

As for the smoking, I think you’re right that you need to address it. We all have outlets we turn to when life gets tough and yours is weed. The thing is that whenever you come to depend on ANYTHING to get you through life, whether it be drugs, food, or even another person, it becomes an issue. Morally, I don’t think there is anything wrong with recreational drug use. It’s your body, you’re not hurting anybody else, but when you NEED it to get you through (and again, it’s not about the fact it’s an illegal substance, it’s about your dependence on it for your self-esteem) that’s when alarm bells should start ringing. It’s not gonna be easy to cut down but i’m sure you have plenty of people who love you who will support you. If you tell yourself you need to give it up altogether, you don’t have a hope in hell of succeeding because you will just want it even more. Cut down, a little bit at a time. Take back some of the power it has over you.

You don’t ‘see’ yourself being happy for a while, but you can’t ‘see’ anything like this. What you’re ‘seeing’ right now isn’t reality, it isn’t who you truly are. You’re seeing life through the lens of the depression you’re suffering with and that means that both the past, future and present appear to be bad. There’s no rush to find out who you are, there’s no definitive answer to this question. People gather traits, talents and status symbols to make themselves appear more ‘whole’, to give themselves an identity. None of these things are who they are and the same applies to you. You’re not your depression, or your smoking habit or the people you hang out with. Hang out with who you want, be kind and caring towards people, help them out where you can and in doing so you’ll be helping yourself out.

Good luck 🙂 I hope you have a good day