I am so happy that I stumbled upon this site. I spent year practicing compassion and kindness. Followed the teachings of Steven Levine and Jack Kornfield mostly. Over the past few years I have sort of stopped the process. And what a process it is! Your advise and encouragement brings me back to those philosophies. So I thank you from the bottom of my heart!
As hard as it is to release these patterns, I am convinced that we all want to achieve this level of awareness, but like you said “our minds” are playing a different game. If we could see our previous thoughts and actions as “not working” maybe even “not true”, it would open the path for change.
The problem is that when we are in the trenches of these “relationship spiral” we are stuck in our pain and don’t know how to get out. Clearly if what we used to do worked, we wouldn’t be struggling.
Another reason why this forum is helpful, is that when I read some of the challenges of others, I am able to distance myself and see the pain outside myself. I can see how I react similar to others, yet when I read their story – it is much clearer to me – cause it’s not my pain. I don’t OWN it!
Your words were pure wisdom! Appropriate and so easy to understand and I am shifting with your help. Of course I know that letting go is best for me – I’m just in awe how in grained it is for me to feel telling my truth with change the situation. Doesn’t that seem like a valid technique? Yet I know that others are also stuck in their perception of the situation. They are just as resistant at shifting as I am.
I realize that if I try to explain each aspect of my disappointment, my sister will likely take a defensive pattern. She has no choice because if she denies her reaction, she is denying herself.
I have always seen change as a road to release. I examined my life – my whole life and tried to identify where I could modify my behavior to help me live a more peaceful life. I no longer long to be happy – because happiness does not exist as a state of being – it’s not a noun, more a verb – I can’t be “happy” but I can experience “happiness”.
Hearing your words about “letting go being for me”, God I’ve read that so many times. I know it is true. It is just so amazing to me how hard wired my brain is to fight the fight. Steven Levine used to say “awareness brings healing” which is why it is so important to examine our struggle. Because it is through being aware of how we react, allows us the opportunity to learn something with each experience. Each time we have an opportunity to examine, and make a different choice. Once we do, we then live the experience of that choice.
I know if I choose your suggested path, it will have a better result for me. But to choose that – I need to believe it – somehow convince myself – when my mind is telling me to react as I know, step out and trust for just that moment – that a shift toward letting go – will bring a better life.
Letting go is the hardest thing I have ever had to do in my life! I hold on with all I have!
Recently, I had to put one of my cats to sleep. I love animals and have had many over my lifetime. Still have 2 cats, 2 dogs. Loosing my pets, and loosing loved ones in my life is devastating to me. 25 years ago I lost my brother to murder and I have grieved everyday from the deepest part of my soul.
I’ve seen how holding onto my grief for him – I thought somehow kept him with me but lately I know that’s not true. His children have had 3 grandchildren over the years and I now see that he lives through us all. I also see that in my deep love for him – he gave me so many gifts – mainly he taught be how to love because he loved so unconditionally. He gave me the gift of experiencing unconditional love.
The best way I can honor him is to be that “unconditional love” as best as I can. If I can be that, I can give a piece of him to his children, grandchildren and anyone else I touch in my life.
When I had to let go of my cat – I was able to see the action as a “gift” to the cat. The letting go was much easier because it wasn’t about me – it was for him – my gift to alleviate his suffering.
Life is suffering and learning how to live with suffering is the best we can do. But for some reason we grow up thinking that we can prevent suffering by protecting ourselves with defensive behaviors. It is interesting to see how many of the things we were taught to do – just don’t serve us.
But God, is it hard to make choices that are different, unproven, or tested in our lives. It’s like jumping off a cliff!
Again, I thank you from the bottom of my heart! You have changed my life by giving me an opportunity to SEE my situation in a different light. I am still working with it all and thankfully my sister is on vacation, so I have this time to work it out before we meet.
I have to say I still struggle with the “responsibility” and accountability piece. But I realize now that my sister may do that if she experiences love and forgiveness instead of anger and judgment.
My needing to be heard – does not have to come from her! She cannot hear it because she doesn’t know it!
You are doing great things! Thank you for being you! I am grateful!
Pat