Hi Anita,

ive seen a psychologist once since we “broke up” it did help me feel a whole lot better about the way I was feeling, my psychologist told me that she thinks because I’m used to all the men being in and out of my life and not completely there that I am trying to run away from my relationship because of a fear of being left alone. My boyfriend and I broke up for about a week and a half, I have been trying my best to push the overthinking and anxiety to the side and focus on how happy he makes me, but the anxiety and o bad thoughts are still constant. I have been refraining from bringing these up with him and only mentioning it here and there because I do not want to worry him and upset him anymore. For the past couple of days I have just been bottling it up and letting these bad thoughts spiral, I’ve spent every waking hour questioning if the relationship is right and if I truly do love him, I’m finding it really hard to look at him and feel in love like I used to and it’s breaking my heart. I don’t want to give up on him and I again, he is a beautiful man and he wants me to be the best version of myself as I do him. I found during the time we were apart that I had this constant fear that I was no bodied first choice anymore and I felt so alone and absolutely devastated, which now makes me worry that am I with him because I love not being alone? Because I love the attention and being someone’s first choice? Do I not actually love him? It’s been debilitating and I am in this constant anxious state. I have another psychologist appointment coming up and many more to come after that one, but the time between appointments feels so long and I feel very alone with my thoughts all the time. It’s like this horrible feeling that the world is closing in around me and I won’t ever feel happy again like I used to. I don’t want to break up with him again even though there are thoughts in my head telling me to, and to just run away and figure it all out on my own but the thought of that makes me feel sick. The pushing him away and pulling him in has been really hard for him and I hate that I’m doing this to him, I just want to feel the way I used to and love him the way that he deserves.

Bell

Dear Dafne,

If I was sad, I had to get over it & stop being so sensitive about it. My only coping mechanism was to shut down & find solace in my solitude.

I am sorry, Dafne, it is very hard when you have no one to confide in, no one to understand how you are feeling.

I stayed for too long. I felt frozen. I felt that there was no way out & that there is nothing better out there in this scarry world. And fear was my only companion.

You concluded those things based on your childhood experience: an abusive and neglectful father, and a mother who is pushing you to love him. No wonder world seemed like a scary place, because you didn’t have anyone to protect you and to understand you. You were lacking a basic sense of safety, which is one of our existential needs. Perhaps you didn’t lack physical safety as much as emotional  safety – to have someone to understand you and empathize with you and validate your feelings.

The same old fear comes back to me when I think that I ruined my chances with the man I’ve met at the church outing.

This fear would then be the fear of staying alone and left to struggle with your emotions alone, never be seen for who you are as a person, never be soothed that things will be okay and that someone has your back. It seems like both the need for physical and emotional safety, right? Which you are looking for in a man, in a romantic partner.

Those are all our basic childhood needs, which if we don’t have met, do cause us a great deal of fear and anxiety in our adult life. We believe we need a partner to meet those needs, when in fact we need ourselves and a good therapist to help us along the way.

Somehow I still keep thinking of what did go wrong and if not contacting him first, contributed to his decision?

You actually did contact him and sent him a video, if I remember well, but he never responded to that. So it wasn’t the lack of your initiative that made him pull away, but probably he wasn’t “feeling it” with you, which he felt with that other woman. It’s not about you not doing enough, you can be sure about that.

But I understand how the fear of staying alone is making you believe that you didn’t do enough, that if only you had written a few more messages, he would have shown interest in you. That’s not true – it’s your fear speaking. Fear of staying alone and not having those basic needs met.

Yes, Tee, most of my relatives passed away, and unfortunately, there is no one now to really listen.

This holiday felt quite lonely. I’m still taking care of my elderly and feel guilty leaving them. Talking to my mother seems pointless at this stage. It always ends up in some kind of argument and pointing all my past mistakes. I also realised that she feels quite comfortable with my current situation.

I am sorry, Dafne, that none of your living relatives can really understand and support you. I am not surprised your mother is unable to do that. She is in fact invalidating your feelings and forcing you to go against them – forcing you to be kind to your mean father. So don’t even aspect any kind of empathy from her.

And yeah, I can imagine it suits her to have you stay single and take care of her (if that’s what you are doing for her?). And who are the other elderly, that you need to take care of, if I may ask?

So it looks like I am on a good path to healing, I am aware and I know that I need to work on my self worth more. But at the same time I feel stuck again and can’t find an exit.

It’s great that you are aware that you need to work on your self-esteem. But what is also important is to be aware of those basic childhood emotional needs (the need to be seen, appreciated, your emotions validated, also the need to be seen as special and important), that you need to meet, at least to a certain extent, before you can actually have a healthy relationship.

Basically, you would need to meet the needs of your inner child. Perhaps till now, you have been identifying with your inner child – the part of you which is scared, feels helpless and needs others to save her. And you were looking for a partner, who would fulfill the role of the loving, caring parent – whom you didn’t have as a child.

But now, the goal would be to stop identifying with the inner child, but to strengthen the adult part of you, who isn’t so helpless but can actually do something to help yourself. The more you feel capable of changing your life, the more chance you have to be happy and even find a healthy partner in the future.

But the focus right now should not be on finding a partner, but on strengthening your adult self and soothing your inner child. In other words, on meeting some of your basic needs.

For example, if you feel that you are stuck in the caretaker role for others ( I’m still taking care of my elderly and feel guilty leaving them.), and that you are neglecting your own needs, the goal would be to start paying more attention to your own needs and reject some of those requests if they take a toll on you.

The goal would be to learn how to set boundaries and say “I can do this for you, but I won’t be able to do that.” Basically, learning to set boundaries, the same as you are learning in the relationship with your father.

Setting boundaries and respecting your own needs (both physical and emotional) is a way to become more anchored in the adult self, and less in the helpless child self.

So I would suggest learning about childhood emotional needs, and then trying to meet those needs, either by yourself, or with a help of a therapist. I can provide you with some resources (youtube videos and such) if you’d like to start learning about childhood emotional needs and how to meet them.

Dear Dafne, you have the capacity to help yourself, please know that. Start small, with tiny steps, and you won’t feel so paralyzed any more. It’s great that you are helping in the animal shelter – but that’s again helping others, focusing on others and their needs.

I think it would be super important to start focusing more on your own needs (e.g. to simply become more aware of them throughout the day) and how you can actually meet them – be it by simply taking a nice bath, or going for a refreshing walk, or doing something else that fills you with energy and inspiration.

Thank you for your kind words, and your empathy and encouragement on my healing journey. I wish you healing too, and want to ensure you that healing is indeed possible! <3

Dear Maria:

“I am afraid of failure. This is true, but I am even more afraid of success…  I have a core drive to be of service, to be embedded in community and to be a part of something bigger than myself“-

– what if you dedicated yourself so fully, so completely to being a part of something bigger than yourself, that you would become bigger than your personal anxiety (about failure and success)?

anita

Dear Zenith:

“I felt like I was throwing a tantrum like my kid. I felt like a kid stuck in adults body unable to control my emotions (ANGER).My little one does it all the time just throw a tantrum or have a breakdown when we say no“- I researched emotion regulation for children and there are lots online information as well as lots of books for sale on the topic, books for parents, books for teachers, for therapists and books, flipbooks,  workbooks, cards and games for children (to work on together with parents or teachers, etc.), all about emotion regulation. These can help you to emotionally regulate yourself more effectively and it can help you as a mother, to model and teach your daughter emotion regulation skills.

This post is long, but please don’t stress over the length. Read any part of it at your convenience, in small portions, over time (or not at all, of course). I did this research not only for you and for your daughter, but for myself and for others as well.

Talking about throwing a temper tantrum, From a website, parenting for brain. com/self-regulation-toddler-temper-tantrums: “Emotional regulation is not a skill we are born with…  Helping our kids self-regulate a wide range of emotions is among parents’ most important tasks. This article will examine how emotional self-regulation develops and how we can help children acquire this crucial skill…The inability to self-regulate big emotions can lead to traits like anger, withdrawal, anxiety, or aggressive behavior. All this can snowball into further negative consequences:… dropping out of school, delinquency, substance abuse, and antisocial behavior problems.^​…

“The sensitive period of emotional self-regulation is believed to be before children ages two. As proven by science, the importance of early childhood life experiences cannot be overstated. However, this doesn’t mean that once kids pass that age, they’ve missed the opportunity to learn self-regulation. It only means it will be more challenging and take more time and patience. So it is better to do it right the first time when kids are young than to fix it later. If your child is older, don’t despair. It’s never too late to start helping children learn to self-regulate”.

The article then explains that within the brain/ body , there is (1) “an emergency or quick-response system- the ‘gas pedal‘”: its primary job is to activate the body’s fight-or-flight response, like the gas pedal in a car. When activated, this system allows our bodies to move fast by speeding up our heart rate, shutting down digestion, and upping blood sugar for quick energy, and (2) “a calming or dampening part of the brain – the ‘brake’” This system is slower to activate, but when it does, it slows down our heart rate, increases digestion, and conserves energy.

Babies are born with a strong gas pedal but with a weak brake. Emotion regulation is about developing and strengthening the brake/ the calming down of the brain-body.

From www. gottman. com/blog/age-age-guide-helping-kids-manage-emotions: “ Emotion regulation is not just about expressing emotions in a socially appropriate manner. It is a three-phase process that involves teaching children to identify emotions, helping them identify what triggers those emotions, and teaching them to manage those emotions by themselves. When we teach kids that their emotions are valid, we help them view what they feel as normal and manageable…  Ultimately, helping kids manage their emotions begins by validating those emotions and providing an environment in which they feel safe to express them.

From another website, American Psychological Association. org/ parenting/ emotion regulation: “Learning to regulate emotions, though, is a complex process… Parents, teachers, and other caregivers all play a critical role in helping children learn to manage their feelings… Here are science-tested strategies parents and caretakers can use to teach kids these important skills: * Start early:… Caregivers can start talking about feelings when their children are still babies. Point out when book or movie characters feel sad, happy, angry, or worried. * Connect: Studies show that children who have a secure, trusting relationship with their parents or caregivers have better emotion regulation… * Talk and teach: Teach your children to recognize and name their emotions. Don’t bother trying to have the conversation while they’re upset, however. “When things are calm, find opportunities to talk about feelings and strategies for managing them… * Model good behavior: Have you heard the old saying ‘Do as I say, not as I do’? “Research shows that’s ridiculous… Children learn by modeling what their parents are doing, not saying * Stay calm: Modeling good behavior is easier said than done—especially when your preschooler is throwing the world’s biggest tantrum. If you’re about to lose your cool, take a minute to breathe and calm down before you address the situation. “Walk into the other room and come back once you’re calmer… You’re not avoiding the situation, but you can avoid making an impulsive reaction..

“* Plan options: When your child is calm, talk about some ways they can handle a tricky situation. Imagine they pushed a classmate who had a toy they wanted to play with. When things are calm, talk about different choices they could make next time: They could tell the teacher, ask the classmate to take turns, or find something else to play with. This process can help your child develop problem-solving skills. * Act it out: Once you talk about possible options, it’s time to practice. ‘Role play and rehearse,’.. Take turns pretending to be your child and their classmate. With practice, kids will begin to apply those new skills in the real world.

“* Punish less, praise more: It’s tempting to give consequences for bad behavior. But strict punishment makes behavior worse, not better… caregivers should spend a lot of time focusing on positive attention, praise, and rewards for good behavior… If your child always screams when it’s time to leave the playground, don’t punish them for the outburst. Instead, offer lots of praise and maybe a small reward when they leave without a tantrum. ‘Instead of punishing a child for an unwanted behavior, praise the behavior you’d like to see in its place,’.. * Be a team: For kids who are struggling to learn emotion regulation, consistency is key. ‘It’s really important for parents, grandparents, teachers, and other caregivers to work together to address a child’s self-regulation problems,’…. * Check your expectations: Don’t expect your child to behave perfectly, especially if they’re genuinely scared or stressed… In a highly stressful situation, children need more adult support…

” * Take the long view: … When you feel frustrated by your child’s behavior, remember that emotion regulation takes time…’It’s important to develop a strong, positive relationship with your child… ‘Kids learn from people they trust.”

Another very resourceful website, heartmindonline.org/resources/12-self-regulation-strategies-for-young-children: “Adults can help children follow a 3-Step Recipe for Self-Regulation… Step 1: Notice the feeling – Help the child tune into how their body is feeling. Ask questions like: What is going on in your body right now? How does your tummy feel? How does your throat feel? Do your muscles feel tight or relaxed? Is your heart beating quickly? Are your eyes making tears? Step 2: Name the feeling – Invite the child to name how they are feeling. Affirm their answer (“yes, I can see from your tears that you’re feeling sad right now”) and extend upon it to build their emotional vocabulary and awareness (“I bet you might be feeling disappointed too, I know you really wanted to keep playing at the park”). Step 3: Respond to the feeling – … engage them in a brief activity to boost self-regulation… 1) Spend 5 minutes in a calm, quiet space with the child. Offer to hold the child, talk, sing, sway, or just sit together in silence. Connection is a key component of self-regulation…2) Pause for a listening break. Listen to a kid-friendly meditation with the child… soothing music… 3) Do the rainbow breath… 4) Sing vowel sounds together… 5) Paint their face…

“6) Cool things down. Offer the child a cool glass of water, some frozen fruit or a popsicle, or run their wrists under cold water (you could even offer a cold shower or bath for the brave at heart!). Exposure to tolerable cold can act as a mini “shock” to the nervous system and help it reset.

“7) Smell the flowers. The scent of lavender can decrease anxiety and reduce stress… smell fresh or dried lavender flowers together instead, focusing on how the scent makes them feel.

“8) Move like an animal. Ask the child what animal they feel like right now, then invite them to move how that animal moves (e.g. a grumpy bear might stomp around the room, or a sad snake might slowly slither on their stomach). Then ask them what animal they would rather feel like, and invite them to move that way instead (eg. a happy bird might flit around the room on tip toe ). This activity, inspired by somatic therapy, helps children shift their emotions by moving in a way that matches their desired emotional state.

“9) Have a smiling contest. Face the child with your cheesiest grin, and have them do the same. See how long you can both keep smiling for. Research shows that facial expressions ca have a small, but significant impact on our emotions: turning your frown upside down can really make you happier!

10) Tense then release. Invite the child to clench their fists as tight as they can, then exhale to release. Repeat several times, or see what it feels like to tense different body parts like their legs, arms, or even their face! This exercise is a form of progressive muscle relaxation, which has been proven to decrease heart rate and reduce cortisol levels.

11) Play a mindful game. Play frog jumps, shake it up, balloon arms, or freeze dance together.  By connecting children’s movements to their senses, these games help children to regulate their bodies, sensations, and thoughts…. 12) Reflect together… Ask children to reflect on questions like: “how did my body feel before? How does it feel now? How did I help myself when I was feeling ____? How can I help myself next time I feel this way?

Books: (1) Helping Preschool-Age Children Learn SELF REGULATION (“focuses on skill-training for preschool-age children..”)

(2) Emotion Regulation in Children and Adolescents

(3) How are you feeling right now? (“helps kids and toddlers identify feelings and emotions… Creating a calmer environment at home is a major key to helping children regulate their emotions. So is giving your children a designated area in your home to make their own peaceful space, allowing them a chance to regain their composure”)

(4) Blow: An Emotional Regulation Guide for Children (“children are guided through the simple yet powerful technique of taking deep breaths, using the imagery of blowing out a birthday candle as a focal point…Perfect for children ages 2 to 6”)

(5) Emotions and feelings flipbook (“With each flip of the page, you’ll spark new thoughts and ideas…The user guide questions serve as prompts for rich and meaningful conversations, allowing children to explore emotions from different angles and perspectives”)

(6) Social Emotional Learning Activities for Kids: 50+ Practical Activities for Emotional Regulation, Social Skills… (“50+ activities to use in your classrooms to interact with kids and foster emotional intelligence in them”).

(7) Creative Ways to Help Children Regulate and Manage Anger: Ideas and Activities for Working with Anger and Emotional Regulation (“Support children to better understand and manage their anger with this practical guide of therapeutic activities… this book provides practical advice for working with children aged 4-12 and families navigating issues of anger and emotional regulation. The book includes over fifty playful, practical, and purposeful activities to use in therapy…This is the ultimate tool for therapists looking to develop their clinical practice with creative ways to help children manage their anger”)

(8) My Feelings Workbook (“This workbook…  not only helps children figure out how they feel but WHERE they feel. With enough practice children will gain mastery over even their more intense feelings. In the process they learn how to build stronger bridges between their emotional minds and their thinking minds. This workbook contains fun activities… Helping children to focus on where and how their emotions are felt in their bodies will allow them to process and deal with these intense feelings”)

(9) The Feelings Activity Workbook for Children (“When children can identify their feelings, they’re better able to work through them and express them in a positive way…  filled with activities that teach kids to understand their feelings and practice healthy methods for managing them”)

(10) My Body Sends A Signal: Helping Kids Recognize Emotions and Express Feelings (” Like us, adults, kids have a wide range of feelings. They get happy, jealous, disgusted, angry, nervous, sad, proud, worried, and excited. But at a very young age, they simply don’t possess the vocabulary to express their feelings verbally. They express their feelings through tantrums, mimicry, physical movements, and gestures. These expressions are often sweet and funny, but sometimes they just drive us nuts! …This book will also expand your children’s vocabulary by offering them different words to express their feelings”)

(11) The Big Feelings Book for Children: Mindfulness Moments to Manage Anger, Excitement, Anxiety, and Sadness (“Help kids get through big feelings with mindfulness activities for ages 5 to 7”)

(12) Flooded: A Brain-Based Guide to Help Children Regulate Emotions (“When your brain perceives danger, your body and mind will go instantly into one of three modes-flight, fight, or freeze. Your heart races, your body tenses up, your hands shake, and your emotions take over rational thought. You’ve entered The Flood Zone. When children experience The Flood Zone, their behavior changes. They yell, bite, or run away. They withdraw and lose concentration. They blame and lie. In this state, children are unable to be rational, regulated, or otherwise compliant…”).

anita

Re-submitted:

Dear Kshiti:

You are welcome!

“What scares me is how I visualise myself while imagining what if situations, how I imagine myself weeping in a closed room shutting myself from everything else, with no desire to do anything for self care or for taking myself out of that situation– what you are describing here is depression and helplessness- the feeling that you are unable to help yourself, giving up on trying.

I mentioned helplessness to you back on page 1 of your thread, but I don’t think that I brought up the topic of learned helplessness.

very well mind/ learned helplessness: “Learned helplessness occurs when a person who has experienced repeated challenges comes to believe they have no control over their situation. They then give up trying to make changes and accept their fate. In animals, learned helplessness occurs when an animal is repeatedly subjected to an aversive stimulus that it cannot escape. Eventually, the animal will stop trying to avoid the stimulus and behave as if it is utterly helpless to change the situation. Even when opportunities to escape are presented, this learned helplessness will prevent any action…

”When people feel that they have no control over their situation, they may begin to behave in a helpless manner. This inaction can lead people to overlook opportunities for relief or change… People may be left feeling that no matter what they do or how hard they work, nothing will make a difference…

Dear Kshiti:

You are welcome!

“What scares me is how I visualise myself while imagining what if situations, how I imagine myself weeping in a closed room shutting myself from everything else, with no desire to do anything for self care or for taking myself out of that situation– what you are describing here is depression and helplessness- the feeling that you are unable to help yourself, giving up on trying.

I mentioned helplessness to you back on page 1 of your thread, but I don’t think that I brought up the topic of learned helplessness.

very well mind/ learned helplessness: “Learned helplessness occurs when a person who has experienced repeated challenges comes to believe they have no control over their situation. They then give up trying to make changes and accept their fate. In animals, learned helplessness occurs when an animal is repeatedly subjected to an aversive stimulus that it cannot escape. Eventually, the animal will stop trying to avoid the stimulus and behave as if it is utterly helpless to change the situation. Even when opportunities to escape are presented, this learned helplessness will prevent any action…

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Dear Sunny:

You asked me what I think of replies that you received from other members. My practice on the rare occasions when I comment on other responders’ input, is to only mention what I agree with, not what I disagree with. I express my own understandings in my own replies, so there is no need to mention or argue against others’ replies. Of course, I sometimes make mistakes, and so do others. I am open to correct my mistakes and work for a better and more thorough understanding the longer I communicate with members.

If you disagree with some (or all) of my expressed understanding below, please let me know. Some of what follows, if correct, will be difficult to read because it might make you feel badly, but (again, if correct),  reading and considering what follows, at your own timing and pace, can be of significant help for you.

“The day before my partners first day of work, there was an argument between us. This resulted in tension on his first day and he shared he felt very lonely“- the argument harmed him.

“We both have shared that after fighting, sometimes it’s hard to just bounce back to normalcy“- the fighting harmed him, you and the relationship.

“he stated that I prioritized the wrong emotions and that I should have been there for him on his first day of work… The fight we had was about surprises and gift giving. He kept saying he did not know what I wanted as a gift and that I never tell him anything which was incorrect. There are a few things I wanted and I shared that with him multiple times… I became a bit frustrated because to me it felt like he was not listening to what I was saying all those times of me saying I want something. That is what started the argument between us. It turns out he was only saying that to throw me off but I wasn’t aware of that…(to) surprise me because he in fact did get me those presents“-

– I believe that I now understand what happened: your partner was about to start a new job. It was the day before his first day at work. He was anxious about the next day and needed you to be there for him, to calm down his anxiety about the next day. But instead of calming down his anxiety, you added to his anxiety by arguing about him saying that he didn’t remember what birthday gifts you repeatedly told him that you want from him.

He has a very valid point, Sunny. You did indeed placed the wrong emotional priority that day: you should have not questioned him and argued with him about him not listening to you, especially on the day before his first day at work. Arguing increases anxiety, the opposite of what he needed.

Think of it from a practical angle: for him to be able to buy you the gifts you want, he’d need a job, so to make the money to purchase the gifts. From this perspective alone, it was a priority on that day that you calm his anxiety, and in so doing, increase his chances to do well on the first day of his new job.

“He said he felt lonely and overwhelmed.. He said that he needed me there but I wasn’t there. He also stated how he wants his partner to offer these things at a time of need as well as in general and not seeing that from me is sending him into a state of confusion, anxiety and stress“- the arguing did all this to him, it made him feel very badly. He doesn’t want the type of relationship that sends him into a state of confusion, anxiety and stress, a very valid assertion.

“While I do understand that I may not have been there for him on his first day, I was trying to release tension between us“- you were trying to release tension within you, not tension between you and him. By arguing with him, you created tension between the two of you.

“which is why I felt like I wasn’t prioritizing the wrong emotions here“- I believe that you did indeed prioritize the wrong emotions on that day. Putting aside the fact that he did remember what gifts you wanted, already purchased them, and was trying to throw you off so that you will be surprised when he gives you the gifts, what caused you the tension within, what distressed you on that day was that you felt that he didn’t listen to you:

“it felt like he was not listening to what I was saying all those times of me saying I want something“- reads like growing up, you weren’t listened to…? It is possible that the tension within you in regard to not being listened to, existed way before you met your partner, and this past tension re-awakens in adult situations when you are being listened to..?

“I was only trying to make things better between us. Is that so much of a bad thing?“-  a state of confusion, anxiety and stress is a bad thing. It’s bad for one’s performance on the first day of work, it’s bad for one’s health, plus many people have accidents, get injured and even die while in that state.

“I just feel like although he has valid reasons for being upset, it’s not like I was intentionally dismissing his important day and feelings. I was still trying to figure out what was wrong between us and wanted to work things through. But it feels like it’s all my fault“- indeed, you were not intentionally dismissing his important day and his feelings, but in practice, you did.

Sunny, I was in the wrong many times, and felt very guilty for it. it took me a long time to resolve that guilt by becoming aware when my words and actions were indeed wrong, and changing the ways I talk/ type and interact with people. It takes enduring valid guilt and changing behaviors that need to be changed.

In regard to other members’ replies in your thread: I think that learning Non Violent Communication (NVC)is an excellent advice. It’s about resolving disagreements through compassion. You can research the topic online. Focusing on positives during disagreements is also excellent advice (it’s part of NVC). Just talk. No yelling, is another excellent advice, again, in line with NVC.

You asked in your original post, “Is there any advice you can give?“- I will be glad to address this question further after you respond to this post, if you choose to, when you do.

anita